LATE BREAKING NEWS!
FOOD RIOTS EXPECTED
The Minister for Food, Lord Rumble of Belch, has announced the Government Plan for combatting food riots due to shortage of lorry drivers. He said at a Press Conference today:
“The Government has always been clear that feeding the British people is its priority. To this end, we are calling upon Her Majesty's Armed Forces to stand ready to combat food riots. It is expected that there will be delays in managing food imports, and that certain elements of the public may respond with violence. This will be dealt with swiftly and firmly. We can say to the British people that everything is being done by your government is takng all steps ensure that food reaches every family's table.”
Brigadier Victor Thump has been given the task of overseeing the military operations. He said: “We shall not tolerate any violence on British streets. We are not a third world country! My troops will react immediately to the slightest hint of violence in the streets. People should remain calm and await their rations.”
The Minister for Stock-piling, Max Hoard, said steps have been taken to stock-pile adequate food supplies to feed the nation. “Not one person in Britain, not one of our citizens will go hungry, longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people - man, woman and child - shall not be without food, so long as they have their ration books.”
The Assistant Minister for Stockpiling (Medicines), Yasmin Asprinovski, also advised that troops are standing by ready to combat any violence in hospital wards should patients start fighting over prescriptions, delayed operations or bed linen laundry.
Pageviews from the past week
Tuesday, 3 August 2021
Wednesday, 21 July 2021
Which two countries have these things in common?
A Leader who cares nought for democracy, except where it helps him
Whose government is supported by billionaires
That has a press that avoids criticism of the party and its leader
That has a press that applauds every move the leader and his party make
That supplies arms to dictators
That manipulates government funds
to its advantage
That tells its people it has their welfare at heart
That deliberately under-funds public services
That is largely Capital-oriented, with little knowledge of other regions of the country, nor the workers
Where the leader spurns normal moral practice
Where elected officials are not required to bring anything to the government except unwavering support
Where skills other than oratory are dismissed
Where the Leader can do what he wants, be accused, but knows that nothing will happen
Where inquiries are made into political behaviour but the findings are not published
Did you work it out?
Russia and the UK.
Downing Street declined to comment on these claims ahead of publication.
After initial online publication, Downing Street issued this statement: “Yesterday the Mirror and Guardian wrote inaccurate stories about our Government. Today they are writing more inaccurate stories. We will not waste our time answering a stream of false allegations from campaigning newspapers.”
Friday, 4 June 2021
OVERHEARD - A confidential conversation between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
PM: I've always been clear that I want to maintain our country's finances in sparkling condition...so that those Europeans cannot gloat. Now, give me a brief summary of the current situation.
PM: Get on with it, man!
RS: Well, Prime Minister. Our National Debt is at this moment £2.13 trillion.
RS: Second only in size to that of the US.
PM: Great Heavens. When did that happen?
RS: It's been happening for a long time now. In fact, every government we’ve had just borrowed more and more.
PM: Can't we pay it down somehow?
RS: Unfortunately, no. Our current bank balance is actually £114 billion in the red.
PM: What! Are you sure? Have you done your sums right?
RS: Yes, Prime Minister. I have.
PM: Well. They won't increase so long as I'm Prime Minister.
RS: Um. They already have.
RS:We’ve already spent a ton of money, fighting Covid, etc. In fact, so far, we’ve spent £220 billion.
PM: What!? Ridiculous!
RS: And we’ve announced we’ll be spending another £100 billion at least.
RS: It might not reach £400 billion in total, but it would be safe to assume so.
P.M: £400 billion! How on earth….?
RS: We discussed it over breakfast last week. I left aide-memoires for you with the numbers, as you were in a hurry to see your wife.
PM: H’m. Well! Something must be done! You should know what to do – you’re the Chancellor!
RS: It’s very difficult, Prime Minister. We can’t put up income tax or VAT.
PM: Why on earth not?
RS: We said we wouldn’t in our election manifesto.
PM: Oh, fiddle. We’ll just forget it. We’ll put the taxes up at the same time as we announce we’ll be giving more money to the NHS.
RS: But we haven’t got any money left to give to the NHS.
PM: Don’t be naive, Rushi. It will be a story for the media. With undefined dates.
RS: Oh. I see. But there is another problem.
PM: Really? Then make it snappy, or I’ll be late for my next photo-op. A really good one. Eating a waffle outside Number Ten. It will show I’m a man of the people.
RS: A waffle? Isn’t that slightly..er.. dangerous?
PM: And after that I’m off on holiday. I’ll probably take the bike. The North’s nice and flat, I believe.
RS: Um. The next problem is very serious. Financially, we are soon going to be unable to pay our debts to the banks and other governments that we usenow. But I’ve contacted the one your donor recommended – the Sino-Arabian Bank. They seem reliable people. And quite ready to give us a mortgage.
PM: Excellent! Do it! But, timeo foreign johnnies ut dona ferentes, eh? I should have been running this country a long time ago…..
Saturday, 22 May 2021
Recent studies have shown that the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in making decisions on governmental issues provides better answers than the personal wishes of an egotistical leader or the discussions of a 24 person Cabinet.
Professor Incho Blink of the London School of Algorithmics said at a press conference today, “Our in-depth research has shown that AI can be of considerable benefit to both government and citizens. And most probably it would be more cost-effective in the long run. We have presented these results to the Prime Minister and to the Minister for Culture, Sport and Digital Affairs, from whom we expect to hear shortly.”
Examples of the studies have been published and are given below. They show the question put to the AI software, its answer, and its rationale for the answer.
1. What is the action that should be taken in the case of an international pandemic?
Answer: Immediate Lockdown
Rationale: Inhibit spread of germ through social contact. 1 person infects on average 10, 10 - 100, 100 - 1000 and so on, quickly reaching millions of infected cases.
2. Will costs go up after Brexit?
Rationale: Brexit means leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, whence 62% of UK fresh food emanates and 78% of medical supplies. Customs duties etc will result in increase in living expenses of £200 per person per month.
Rationale: Both can be destroyed easily by drones using sophisticated untrackable software.
4. Should taxpayer funds be spent on drones?
Rationale: To protect British fisheries.
Rationale: Charity for homeless and hungry begins at home.
Answer: NHS workers – Yes. MPs. - No.
Rationale: Calculation based on usefulness to society.
Rationale: The last two are overseeing the demise of Britain’s economy and its
standing in the world.
Saturday, 17 April 2021
Gripping. Compelling. Unputdownable. Fast-paced. Action-packed. Vengeful. Against Sleaze and Corruption...
These are the phrases used to describe the new international best-seller,
"The Contract Assassin"
Where sleaze, corruption and rampant cronyism are taken on.
Wednesday, 14 April 2021
Friday, 2 April 2021
This is circulating in Westminster, apparently with a view to improving Ministerial statements to the media.
THE GOVERNMENT’S OFFICIAL PHRASE-BOOK.
All statements to the media must contain at least two of these phrases.
At times of crisis the world looks to Britain
Countries look to us to provide moral leadership and global leadership
The UK is a world leader in tackling global issues
We are, and we shall remain, world-leading in the future
We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better
We have some of the highest standards in the world
Respected and admired around the world
Leading the way, leading from the front
Globally recognised, the best in the world
We are a global leader, committed to the highest standards
A beacon to the rest of Europe and the World
Britain is once again a global nation
We will not be squeezed or sand-bagged into anyone else’s agenda
I have always been clear that...
Each of the above phrases has been used before. Each has been submitted to poll testing and found to be well-received by the public.