Pageviews from the past week

Monday, 23 November 2020

RE-SET. The PM and the Louvre.

At our latest meeting, the PM emphasised again how a great deal of money is needed to pay the bills due to Covid,

I suppose you know, Bryggs, that our National Debt is now over £2 trillion,” he said as I sat down.

 Yes, Prime Minister. Not good. The media is saying that another trillion has been spent fighting Covid so far this year.”

 Yes, Yes. Quite. So we need some hefty sales figures from you.”

Perhaps I should remind the reader that I am the guy whose job it is to sell off as much of the UK as I can, to pay off the country’s debts. Some of which debts I’m sure are hidden from the public.

The PM is massaging his head and suddenly stops. Also he has developed the beginning of a parting. My guess is that his image consultant suggested he should look more sophisticated when he hosts the upcoming International Climate Control Congress. Hence the beginning of a move away from the floppy look.  Anyway, I need to bring him up to date on the latest potential sale. A biggie.

 I had a call from Maxence Laurent-Bartelot this morning,” I say. 

Who?"

He’s the Director of the Louvre. He wants to buy the National Gallery.” 

Great Scott! Why on earth would he want to do that?”

Well, Prime Minister, they started an expansion programme a little while ago and now they have a Louvre in Abu Dhabi. My guess is they want to expand more internationally. But the big success in this expansion was the Louvre Lens. A huge new gallery in Lens, in northern France. 50 acre site, 300,000 square feet interior, and one million visitors in the first year.”

H’m. Why did they choose Lens particularly? Where is it exactly”

They chose Lens because they wanted to bring culture to the North and not have it centred on Paris. Lens was a huge coal-mining area back in the day. When I visited it last year, it was a depressing place, men standing around, no work, very sad.  I guess the French government saw the Louvre expansion as a sort of levelling-up exercise.”

What did you say? Levelling up? Culturally? What a brilliant idea!”

In his apparent excitement he messes up his new parting.

What art galleries do we have up North? Any?”

There are big galleries in Manchester and Liverpool. Not much north of those.”

Ha! Excellent! Now. This is what I want you to do. Go back to your Maxence johnnie and tell him no thanks. But tell him we could sell him a big building for his Louvre. And then go and see whatsisname, the Minister for Buildings, and tell him to find something choice for the French.”

As I leave, I hear him talking on the phone to the Minister for the Northern Powerhouse. (Believe me, there is one...)



Saturday, 14 November 2020

P.M. to assume title of President?

 I was sent this by No. 10's newly appointed PR writer ( not me) and was quite surprised.

Prime Minister Assumes Role of President of UK.

Cabinet Disbanded. 

At a dramatic press conference today, the new President of the UK had this to say about his new role:

After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.

A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.

At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.

I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Biden, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng, amongst others.

In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past.

I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Christopher Failing and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography. After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.

I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through this stronger, now that I am your President.

I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish border.”

Sunday, 8 November 2020

The PM and Joe Biden. Revelations!

As most of his government are off in Recess, as they call it – it’s their version of half-term – and his fiancee has gone to see her mother, the PM called me in to have coffee with him. A rare pleasure.

You’ve lived in the States, Bryggs,” he said. “What do people think of Biden? He must have some good qualities, beating my friend, er.., my opposite number, and becoming President.”

He’s served the democratic party well for decades. Reliable. Serious. But now a bit old-looking. 78. And it showed when he tried to look agile and young by trotting up to the rostrum whenever he gave a speech. Some say he won because voters just felt they couldn’t stand any more of Trump. And that they would have even voted for Nigel Farage if he had been American,”

Good God!”

But I think both stories are stupid. And Biden is certainly not.”

Oh?”

Obviously, having been chosen by the Democrat Party to run for President, he’s very well considered by his peers. Actually, he’s their big policy expert on foreign affairs.”

H’m.”

Wants to expand NATO.”

H’m.”

Favours strategic arms limitations”

H’m.”

His background is that he comes from a working class family.”

H’m.”

Got a law degree. Wife has always worked and still does, as a teacher.”

Another lawyer, eh?”

Not for very long. Went into politics and became one of the youngest senators ever in US history.”

H’m.”

And, of course, is a great fan of the EU.”

Yes. Well. Thank you, Bryggs. I suppose I’d better congratulate him.”

So I finished my coffee and left.



 

Thursday, 5 November 2020

The PM asks for more PR.

 

The PM was so impressed with the PR that I wrote for him (see previous post) that he asked me to do some more for his next televised speech. This is what I’m going to send him tomorrow:


With your help, people of our great nation, we can again become the envy of the world, the great global country we know we can be. We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better, so that at times of crisis the world looks to Britain. Countries look to us to provide moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. And, because that is our duty, we shall remain world-leading in the future and build a compelling vision of Britain outside the EU. Free of the EU, we shall champion free and open trade. And our prosperity will grow and grow! Britain is now open for business more than ever!

And, with your help, all four nations of our great United Kingdom will be healthier and happier communities - for this generation and the next.”

(I won’t tell him that every word above is taken from recent speeches by his ministers.)


Sunday, 25 October 2020

The PM wants his PR to Improve..


I was surprised yesterday when the PM called me into his office, something he rarely does these days as he is so pre-occupied with getting Covid done. He was looking tired, pale and overweight. This is how the conversation went:

PM: I’ve called you in to discuss two things. (Massaging his head.)

JB: Yes, Prime Minister.

PM: This blasted Covid is costing the Treasury a fortune. Ergo, we need cash. Fast. What are you working on at the moment that will bring in several million?

JB: I think I’ve got a customer for all the European Embassy buildings in London, and -

PM: Excellent! Excellent! And?

JB: And Cambridge University.

PM: Good God! Who wants it?

JB: A Chinese firm, big in education.

PM: Good! Very good! Send the details to the Chancellor. Now. The second thing I want to talk to you about is something that is not really your field of expertise, but I judge you could do it.

JB: Er..

PM: Don’t interrupt. And this conversation is strictly between you and me only. Do you understand?

JB: Certainly, Prime Minister.

PM: I’m fed up with always getting so much negative publicity. Even in the Tory papers. What the hell do they think they’re there for? So I’ve decided to try a new approach. I think a new approach is needed, don’t you?

JB: It’s certainly the case that there’s a lot of negative comment about...

PM: Quite. So I need some PR that is up-beat, optimistic, encouraging, convincing. Business-like and buzz-wordy in tone. Something to get the voters thinking all is well. And I think you’re the man for the job. To write it.

JB: Me?!

PM: Yes. You. If you’re capable of negotiating with all those foreign johnnies, then I judge you must be capable of writing pushy stuff. So. By next Friday, I’ll expect a first rate PR release from you. On how we’re getting our great nation back on track, and stiffing the EU. Next Friday.

JB: Yes, Prime Minister.

So this is my draft of a new-style speech for the Prime Minister:

Good Morning.

I want to speak to you today about a paradigm shift your government is pursuing to shape our great nation’s future.

Britain is a world-leader in many things. To name a few, munitions production, data protection, pandemic control, child-care and so on.

But that’s not enough! What I want to do is to engage the human capital of our great nation – that’s you, the voters – in bringing fresh ideas to the table. So we are reaching out to every one of you, to ask that you drill down and come up with outcome-focussed models for our future. I, and my Cabinet, will welcome your views on how we can shape our future now that we are free of the EU’s constraints And can go out into the world a super-competent and independent, free-trading and freedom-embracing country.

We will no longer be squeezed or sand-bagged into acquiescing to anyone else’s agenda. We have reclaimed our sovereignty and a brighter future awaits us as we forge our own path.

That’s why we need your views! Of course, my Cabinet, your representatives, might not be able to accept everything some of the voters want but, together, we can organise ourselves, with your invaluable help, to deliver, flexibly of course, the best objectives for our beloved country.

Watch out for the e-mail coming to you from Number 10! Thank you all.





Monday, 12 October 2020

A note on the P.M's ancestral background is circulating in Westminster...

"Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in 1964 in New York. His great-grandfather was Ali Kemal, a Foreign Minister in the Ottoman Empire in 1919 who was assassinated in 1922.  The P.M's grandfather emigrated to England and adopted the name"Wilfried Johnson".

Another family line in the P.M's pedigree includes Adelheid Pauline Karoline von Rottenburg, (the illegitimate daughter of Prince Paul of Wurttemberg,) and Karl Maximilian Freiherr de Pfeffel."

Ministers are intrigued, MPs are curious and the cleaning staff are now reading every piece of discarded paper in waste-paper baskets.

Wednesday, 7 October 2020

Brexit and Broken Britain Sliding Over the Cliff....

 The PM won't like this summary which appeared in the media today.


BREXIT BRITAIN TODAY

SLIDING OVER THE CLIFF 

The National Debt has now passed £2 trillion

low taxes paid by the elite and the multinational companies

underfunded social care causing 30,000 deaths

spending on healthcare lowest % of GDP of rich nations

underfunded NHS causing how many deaths

MPs and Lords cost £2350million per annum in pay and expenses

£billions given to privatised rail and bus companies still

North/South divide

27th. in the world for education quality

most expensive university education

abnormally high house prices

unrepaired roads everywhere

lowest % of GDP spent on infrastructure

lowest % of GDP spent on power grid

highest energy costs in Europe

highest rail costs in Europe

London is money laundering centre of the world (£100bn plus) 

*****