Thursday, 17 September 2020

When Brexit Wrecksit - this is how the UK will look ...

I was given, by a cleaner lady, the document below from a senior Minister's waste paper basket.....

When Brexit has Wrecked it - this is what Britain will be like:

More expensive – the £ will dive even further – imported goods will cost more

Exports to EU will drop – EU customs duty will make them more expensive - with resultant unemployment here

Half of cars made in Britain go to the EU

Large amounts of paperwork needed by Britain's 250k small businesses to continue exporting to EU

Business says there will be mass redundancies

More expensive NHS – half of our medicines come from Europe; some are not made here – viz, insulin.

Hopefully EU citizens will be allowed to work in UK – otherwise NHS will flounder with 10,000 less staff

Lorry queues across the south of England – food going bad? Already 1.6 million truck crossings per the tunnel per annum.

PM has promised troops will fight food riots...

Long delays at airports – while we re-negotiate international airspace agreements.

Our Civil Service will spend £millions trying to build new trade agreements with 160 WTO countries, who know we need them more than they need us.

And to re-negotiate the 36 trade deals the EU has with others

Wage growth in UK is static – and cannot be expected to improve, when trade falls and import costs increase

Current UK financial situation –

National Debt £2.3 trillion owed

bank balance £114 billion in the red.

Current trade with the world in £ billions:

EU £ 487 billion

USA 140

China 50

Aus/NZ/Can 26

Bra/Rus/Ind 43

Nobody is beating a path to our door.....and they know we need them more than they need us. And that the UK does not uphold international treaties...


Tuesday, 8 September 2020

I often have to spend time waiting outside the PM's office.....


.and today I couldn't help over-hearing a private conversation between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

PM: I've always been clear that I want to maintain our great nation's finances in superb that those Europeans cannot gloat when we leave them, without their stupid deal. Now, give me a brief summary of the current situation

CE: Er...

PM: Get on with it, man!

CE: Certainly, Prime Minister. Our National Debt is at this moment £2.13 trillion.

PM: What!

CE: Second only in size to that of the U.S.

PM: Great Heavens! When did that happen?

CE: Over many years. Every government we've had has just borrowed more and more.

PM: Can't we pay it down somehow?

CE: Unfortunately no. Our current bank balance is actually £114 billion in the red.

PM: What! Are you sure? Have you done your sums right?

CE: Yes, Prime Minister. I have.

PM: Well. They won't increase any further as long as I'm Prime Minister.

CE: Um. They already have.

PM: What?

CE: We've spent a great deal of money fighting Covid. In fact, so far, we've spent £220 billion.

PM: What? Ridiculous!

CE: And we've announced we'll be spending another £100 billion at least.

PM: What!

CE: It might not reach £400 billion in total, but it would be safe to assume so,

PM: £400 billion? How on earth...

CE: We discussed it briefly over breakfast – once in May and again in June. I gave you summaries of the situation as you were in a hurry to see your fiancee.

PM: H'm. Well! Something must be done! You should know what to do. You're the Chancellor!

CE: It's very difficult, Prime Minister. We can't put up income tax or VAT.

PM: Why on earth not?

CE: We said we would never do that. In our election manifesto.

PM: Oh, fiddle. We'll just forget that. We'll put the taxes up at the same time as we announce we'll be giving more money to the NHS.

CE: But we haven't got any money left to give to the NHS.

PM: Don't be naïve. It will be a great story for our media, but with undefined dates.

CE: Oh, I see. But there is another problem....

PM: Really? Then make it snappy, or I'll be late for my next photo-op. A really good one. Eating a waffle outside Number Ten.

CE: A waffle! Isn't there a rather dangerous connotation?

PM: It will show that I'm a man of the people. And after that I'm off on a short holiday to Northern Ireland. We'll probably take the bike.

CE: Um, the next problem, Prime Minister, is very serious. We are soon going to be unable to pay our debts to the banks and foreign governments that we use now. However, I have contacted the bank your donor recommended. The Sino-Arabian Bank. They seem quite ready to give us a mortgage.

PM: Excellent! Do it! But 'timeo Chinkies ut dona ferentes,' eh!

CE: I'm sorry. What was that?

Wednesday, 26 August 2020

Covid and The Air We Breathe. Government Minister interviewed on new tax.


Transcript of an interview with the Environmental Minister on DeepHead TV's current affairs programme.

Interviewer: Could you please tell the viewers more about the government's proposal to tax air and replenish the national coffers, once the Covid virus is conquered?

Minister: Of course. This is a most exciting initiative. And Britain will once again be leading the world. As you know, the country's financial situation is extremely difficult, due mainly to the virus and the current turmoil in the European Union. As the government, we take our responsibility very seriously to reduce the country's debt and, as the Prime Minister says, to lead Britain forward again. We know, from our soundings up and down the country, that the people of Britain will welcome any initiative that helps to improve the country's economic situation. So we know that this carefully thought-out proposal to tax air will be gladly received.

Interviewer: How will it actually work?

Minister: People will pay a tax on the air they breathe, of course. Now, most importantly, we want this to be a fair tax – so there will be different levels of taxation.

Interviewer: Different levels of taxation?

Minister: Of course. You can't expect everybody to pay the same tax. There are different rates of use. There are different qualities of air. So we have taken these facts into consideration and our proposal contains the very best of British fairness. For example, old folk, over the age of 75, will pay less than others because they consume less. Young people between the age of 14 and 30 will pay more because they consume more air. People who live in the countryside and at the seaside will pay a small premium because their air is purer than elsewhere.

Interviewer: And what about London?

Minister: You are right to ask. It's most important that we get that right. Our proposal is to make no charge for it within the City, the boroughs of Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster, and immediately contiguous postal codes.

Interviewer: You're going to refine the air in central London and make no charge for it?

Minister: Most certainly. We don't want in any way to displease the many resident billionaires in London who make such a huge contribution to Britain's economy and the Tory Party.

Interviewer: Let me see if I've understood that. You propose to tax the British people for the use of air – but not to tax the wealthy in London.

Minister: Quite so.

Interviewer: But that's outrageous and totally unfair!

Minister: Oh God! Another pleb! Where's my limo?


Thursday, 20 August 2020

I'm getting cynical - I hope it doesn't interfere with my pay packet...

Ministers are expected to abide by the Ministerial Code. This was signed up for by my boss in August 2019.   Public Officials - including government - are expected to abide by the Nolan Principles.  The Noland Principles are:  Selflessness, Integrity, Objectivity, Accountability, Openness, Honesty and Leadership.  These have now been turned into: Greed, Duplicity, Guile, Unaccountability, Slyness, Dishonesty and Conceit....?

Tuesday, 23 June 2020

My main job.

In case you didn’t know, I'm the government's Number One Salesman. Jason Bryggs. Appointed to sell whatever I can that's British, so the government can pay off the galactic National Debt with the proceeds. There wasn't much left to sell of the good old UK when I started, but thanks to my native creativity and true British grit, I've managed to sell the Isle of Wight, the SAS, Cambridge University, 800 churches, Philip Larkin, both Tates, Hackney Wick, and a few other assets which I'm not allowed to divulge under the new Freedom of Information Act.

As a result of my unstinting efforts I have a tidy little bonus. So I'm off as soon as this Covid stuff is over. South of France, and the PM can take his economic problem and spin it. I've run out of enthusiasm for being the Numero Uno salesman. There's nothing left to sell. Well, almost nothing.
In any event, I firmly believe the good old UK is about to be repossessed. What nobody knows is that, following the Covid mess, the PM has had to take out a mortgage on Great Britain with the Sino-Arabian Bank and the terms are not what you would call customer-friendly. In my humble, repossession is in the offing. So, it's almost time to shove off.

But until then I’ll keep on posting on this site what goes on behind Westminster’s virtual walls.

Monday, 22 June 2020

I've developed the following guide after much study...

HOW TO READ A MINISTER– A Guide for the concerned citizen.
With the obvious distrust amongst the public of everything said by Ministers,
here is a guide to what a Minister means when making a statement:
If he's acting jocular He's about to lie
If he adopts a serious expression He's about to lie
If he leans forward and looks sincere He's about to lie
If he uses the phrase 'my friends' He's lying
If he talks about 'healing Britain' He'll make it worse
If he says he's for the working class He's certainly not
If he says 'we're leading the world' We aren't
If he says 'The government has always been clear on (whatever)' It never was
And so on....

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Oxbridge Unis will Stay in EU

A news flash that has not yet been noticed....

 The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.

A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.

We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)

This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.

We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”

The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"

The Prime Minister's office declined to comment.