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Friday 21 July 2023

Thursday 18 May 2023

The Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank Announces the Loan of an Undisclosed Amount of Sterling to the British Government.

 The Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank is honoured to announce the loan of an undisclosed amount of sterling to the British Government. 

The most excellent Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank - founded 2018, registered address Cayman Islands - specialises in sovereign funding of all kinds and to all types of nations regardless of solvency. 

Our core offering, the multiple derived layered confidence bond, is a particularly successful product, requiring no interest payment or capital repayment in money. 

The arrangement with the British Government has no interest payment or capital repayment of sterling attached to it. Interest payments are calculated so that at each appointed term, one seat in the House of Lords is payable to the Bank. Future use of each seat to have no nationality restrictions. Chinese and Lebanese restaurants to be opened in place of the Dining Rooms. Tea and scones to be discontinued. 

 -------------------------------------------------------- 

The Chairman of Bank said this was a fine example of the bank's willingness to bring relief to global problems.

A British Government spokesperson said the Government was once again showing its concern for vision and value, and was proud to associate with a Bank of such long-standing reputation, in the sole interests of the British people in these difficult global times.

Thursday 30 March 2023

Found on the desk of the Minister for the Environment!

 Spring is sprung

The grass is riz.

I wonder where

My deckchair is.

Gardening is not my forte.

I'd rather have a glass of port.

Mowing the lawn

Leaves me forlorn.

Pulling weeds and digging soil

Is really not my kind of toil.

So I am glad when there's a breeze

To cool my aching, tiring knees,

My aching back, hay-fever sneeze,

And scrunched-up hungry belly.

'Cos then I'll go and watch the telly.

Monday 27 February 2023

The Sick Man of Europe's Leadership Problems.

 In the last twelve months, the UK has had:

3 Prime Ministers
4 Chancellors
5 Education Secretaries
4 Home Secretaries
3 Attorney Generals
3 Justice Secretaries
4 Policing Ministers
4 Housing Minister.

Is this an international record?

Wednesday 4 January 2023

Britain Belonged to Me....

 

Britain Belonged to Me…

 

Sir Michael Beal, after spending 50 years in Africa, is returning to Britain where he was born and lived the first 20 years of his life. He is not intending to retire there – he just wants to revisit the country of his youth and savour the things he found there that were to him exciting – and which he could not afford at the time.

He has hired a service which provides a person to accompany him and give advice on what he wishes to do. This person is called John Problem.

Our story opens with Sir Michael and Problem discussing Sir Michael’s wishes.

MB: The first thing I wish to do is buy a top-of-the-line British car to use while I’m here.

JP:   There’s no such thing, Sir Michael. There are no British cars being made today. All car companies are owned by foreign companies.

MB:  Surely not – Bentley, Rolls Royce?

JP:    Owned by Germans.

MB:  H’m. Well, I have to go to Manchester, so I’ll take the train. Trains are not foreign, surely?

KP:    I’m afraid so. Dutch, Italian and German.

MB:  When I was a teenager, I supported Manchester United, and I wanted to see a match this Saturday.

JP:    Manchester United is now owned by Americans. Which is unusual as most of the First Division teams are owned by Arabs.

MB:  H’m. Well, I’d better give up that idea and do some shopping.

JP:    Right. Where do you want to shop?

MB:  And please don’t tell me they’re all foreign-owned.

Firstly, Selfridges.

JP:    Jointly owned – Thailand and Austria.

MB:  Hamleys.

JP:    Indian.

MB:  Gieves and Hawkes, my tailors.

JP:    Chinese.

MB:  I think I’ll go back to my room at the Ritz, have a Glenmorangie scotch, book a flight back home and read the papers.

JP:    The Ritz is owned by Qatar, and Glenmorangie by the French. The Financial Times is owned by Japan and the Evening Standard by a Russian.

MB:  Well, let’s cut this short. What else is owned by foreigners?

JP:    London’s buses are owned by Germany and Italy, most bookshops by the US, the Royal Mail by Czechs and Swiss, our only nuclear power station by the French, Heathrow by Spain, as is British Airways. But so far, none of London’s theatres.

MB:  Then that’s what I’ll do tonight! I’ll go to the theatre.

                                              -------------------------

(Please note – all of the above is true.)

 

 

 

Thursday 15 December 2022

Hood Robin and his Scary Men. A Pantomime for our Time...

 

                                     "HOOD ROBIN AND HIS SCARY MEN"
 

LIST OF CHARACTERS:
Hood Robin The most successful banker of all time
Friar TaxFree The world's biggest expert on tax avoidance
BigBonus John Lives only for his bonus
Allan a Deal An infamous deal-maker.
Much the Hedger's Son The son of the biggest hedge fund trader ever.
Prince WallStreet The toughest banker/private equity manager/ hedge fund
trader/ commodities dealer/ in the whole world.
The Sheriff of the City
An Old Man
Churl A hero of the poor
Hack! Another
***********************
A COPSE IN SHERWOOD FOREST. MORNING. Hood Robin and his Scary Men
sing and dance.
SCARY MEN
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We're leaving them without a stitch,
The bailiff at the door.
We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah!
The golden boys of bonuses as well!
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We take it all without a hitch,
'cos we're above the law.
We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah!
The golden boys of bonuses as well!
 

Enter Prince WallStreet and the Sheriff.


PRINCE WALLSREET
O.K! O.K! Very nice - but quit it! You guys have
gotta work a lot harder if we're gonna hit 18
billion in bonus this year. Ya gotta hit the poor
harder! Harder, ya hear! That's what they're here
for, right? To be hit, right? Our bonus target is
18 billion and I don't mean 17 billion. Geddit?
HOOD
We're working on it WallStreet. We'll get there,
don't you worry.
WALLSTREET
There's millions of poor out there! Go out and get
'em! I've fixed everything up with your government so
you don't have no issues there, OK?
SHERIFF
Oh, yes. Oh dear me, yes. The Prince did a splendid
job. I'm sure we could never have done it without
him.
WALLSTREET
So tell the guys what I did.
SHERIFF
Well, after a series of meetings, the government
backed down totally on all of its threats. Every
single one!
The Scary Men cheer.
SHERIFF
They threatened total transparency.
The Scary Men groan.
SHERIFF
They threatened dreadful regulations.
The Scary Men shudder.
SHERIFF
They said they'd put an extra tax on our bonuses.
The Scary Men suck in their lips.
SHERIFF
They said they would never bail us out again.
The Scary Men make 'ouch' noises.
SHERIFF
But, in the end, they backed off from everything
they'd said. Nothing will happen. Nothing
whatsoever. It's all absolutely splendid!
The Scary Men whoop and applaud.
WALLSTREET
So, there ya go, guys. The road is clear. And the
poor are everywhere. So no delay. Let's do it!
SHERIFF
On the subject of the poor being everywhere, we are
very close to completing the wall around the City.
It's 25 feet high all the way round! Of course, the
police will continue to patrol the City every day,
as they always have. So you see, there will be no
bank raids in our territory! Tee hee.
The Scary Men laugh and pat each other on the back. Wallstreet and the
Sheriff leave.
Enter an old man carrying a bundle under his arm.
HOOD
Hold fast there, old loon!
OLD MAN
Eh?
HOOD
Stop! Where are you going?
OLD MAN
France. If it's any business of yours, young man.
 HOOD
 France?
 OLD MAN
Aye, France. It's warmer there and they have
baguettes and citizens' banks. And that's where I'm
going.
 HOOD
Taking all your money with you, are you?
The Scary Men all laugh.
 OLD MAN
 I am.
 HOOD
 In that bundle?
 OLD MAN
Aye. Although what its got to do with you, I don't
know. Who are you, anyway, with all your impertinent
questions?
The Scary Men all hoot.
HOOD
I'm Hood Robin. And these are my Scary Men. So hand
over your bundle, old loon.
OLD MAN
Dear me. That's bad news.
HOOD
Too right!
The Scary Men all laugh again.
The Old Man walks forward to the front of the stage and addresses the
audience.
OLD MAN
Friends. Don't be too worried about me. I've got
a little surprise for this rabble, even though
I’m very old.
He turns towards Hood.
OLD MAN
Yes. that's really bad news. For you, I mean.
 HOOD
What? Don't make me laugh! Hand over your bundle!
OLD MAN
Here you are. But you shouldn't open it.
HOOD
Come on! Why not, eh?
OLD MAN
Because you might not like what you see inside.
 HOOD
Then, you open it!
OLD MAN
Are you frightened, Hood? I thought you were a
big tough guy.
(To the Scary Men) And he's your leader? How
sad.
HOOD
I'll knock your block off, you old loon, if you
don't shut up and open that bundle.
OLD MAN
Don't say I didn't warn you.
He puts the bundle on the ground and slowly unrolls it. Nothing happens. Hood
approaches the bundle warily and the Scary Men gather round at a distance.
HOOD
Well? Let's see what's in it!
The Old Man picks up something from the bundle and holds it out to Hood.
 HOOD
What's that?
 OLD MAN
Bad news for you.
HOOD
Eh?
 OLD MAN
My life savings. A five cent Euro coin and a
button.
HOOD
Don't mess with me, you old fool. Where's the rest?
OLD MAN
Are you kidding, young Hood? After all the government
cuts, and prices going up for everything, food and
heating, and heaven knows what else we haven't heard
about yet. What chance do we have to save anything?
Eh? We get the lowest old age pension in the world,
and it's taxed! Do me a favour and go and rob a
politician.
 HOOD
Come on, guys. We're wasting our time here.
They exit. The Old Man comes to the front of the stage again.
OLD MAN
Clod-poles! That's what they are. Well, between you
and me, their time is running out. Their golden
days are over. Churl is coming! Remember that name
- Churl!
A NEARBY FANCY RESTAURANT. HOOD AND HIS SCARY MEN SIT AT A TABLE. SAME DAY
HOOD
Allan! Order up another six bottles of Krug, will
you? And more of the foie gras. I'm feeling
peckish. I tell you, I'm sick of looking at the
poor. And at their stupid faces when we take
their money. They're so boring.
 FRIAR TAXFREE
Ah, that foie gras! I'll have a kilo, Allan. Now,
Hood, I've been updating on new tax havens. Here are
the latest. County Cork, Tijuana, North Korea and
Tower Hamlets which has just declared independence
from Britain. Of these, I think we can only sensibly
use North Korea. Pass the toast, would you?
HOOD
Sounds good to me. How are you doing with your commodities search,
John?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Good, boss.
HOOD
Well? What did you find?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Well, boss. I started at the 'A's and then I did the 'B's. Then
I got to the 'C's and there it was, boss. Real cool. Coal mines in
Qatar!
HOOD
What?
BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. You're always saying we should
target what's got nowhere and then talk it up. Well,
coal mines in Qatar is exackerly that. Innit?
HOOD
H'm. What do you think, Much?
MUCH
Look, Chief. I'm happy to manage our Georgian estates in the Shires,
and our chateaux on the Riviera, and our Manhattan penthouse
apartments and our air-conditioned yachts and our super-charged
Ferrari's, but I don't want to be involved in gambling, anymore. I’m
happy just being V.P. Admin.
HOOD
OK. I have no issue with that. Did you research
it, John?
 
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Yeah! It was great. Percentually,
coal mines in Qatar is the greatest opportunity
since the invention of the credit default swap!
HOOD
Really? I see. Well. Anybody know anything about
coal mines?
ALLAN A DEAL
I don't think there are any coal mines in Qatar.
HOOD
Does it matter? OK, John, you run with it, give
it the whole algorithm treatment and report back.
Looks like another useful instrument to make a few
more pennies! Don’t forget to VaR it.
SCARY MEN (dancing and singing)
SPUs and SIVs; SPOs and CDOs;
CDSes and Derivatives;
Illicit credit-based securities,
Commodities and liquidities!
We love them all! We love them all!
'Cos we are the golden boys of banking. Yeah!
A RAMSHACKLE VILLAGE IN THE FOREST WHERE SOME OF THE POOR LIVE. EVENING.
 OLD MAN
Where's Churl? I must see him!
CHURL
I am here. What would'st thou?
OLD MAN
Hood Robin and his Banker Gang are on the prowl
nearby.
 CHURL
Is that a problem?
 OLD MAN
Yes! They have a huge target for robbing us! They
intend to make an 18 billion bonus!
CHURL
18 billion? Excellent!
OLD MAN
What, Churl? Did you say 'excellent'?
CHURL
I did, old gentleman. Hack! and I have a plan and it
will work best when they have amassed their 18
billion. Only then can we have our full revenge.
Hack! is working on it every minute. The sweat drops
off his brow, he will not stop, he will not even
take off time to eat. He is a true hero and we must
prepare a celebration for him, when we have achieved
our objectives.
OLD MAN
Can I sing my favourite song for him?
 CHURL
Which one is that?
OLD MAN
"Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every rotten politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the hospital; wiv a bloke on either
side;
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty minute
ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road;
Useless rotten government; rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians; and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man? Don't make me
rotten larf!"
CHURL
Very enjoyable, old gentle. But our first target is
the bankers. Politicians are for later. Can you
compose a song about the bankers?
OLD MAN
I think I can do that, Churl. Just give me a
day.
CHURL
A day is all we have. My latest information is that
the bankers are nearing their 18 billion. It will
soon be time to act. Ah, Hack! What is it?
HACK!
The connection is not that great just here, Churl.
Can we go somewhere where I'll have a max signal.
CHURL
O.K. We'll go the disused abbey, nearby. It's on
higher ground.
IN THE RESTAURANT. SAME TIME.
HOOD
How's the Qatari coal mine algorithm coming
along, John?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. O.K. Some fiddly problems.
HOOD
I can guess. The markets are not convinced.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Yeah. Dat's it, Hood.
HOOD
OK. Then tell them if they don't buy we'll leave.
Go abroad. Set up somewhere else. That should shift
them.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Yeah, Hood! Great!
HOOD
OK, Listen, guys. I told our runners to report to
the disused abbey up the road when we got to the 18
billion. My latest information is that we're getting
there. I tell you, that delta hedging is just great
to rack up the good stuff. So let's get up to the
abbey, right now!
\THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. LATER.
Hood stands before a small pillar on which he works at his computer while the
Scary Men stand about expectantly.
HOOD
O.K. Uh huh. Great! The money's mounting up fast!
We're going to do it, my men! We're well up past the
17 billion mark.
The Scary Men cheer.
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. Hack! stands before a
small pillar on which he works at his computer. Churl, the Old Man and the
poor folk stand about watching.
HACK!
Whew! A good connection at last
 CHURL
Can you do it?
 HACK!
Just watch me!
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
HOOD
Yeah! Here we go. Look at the screen! Do you see
that? Here she comes! Watch this, guys! Seventeen
billion, nine hundred and ninety nine million,
nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine
hundred and ninety nine......... Here she comes!
The big number!
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
HACK!
Here comes their 18 billion.
He raises his hand dramatically, extends his finger, and to
a low rumble of thunder in the background, taps a key on his computer.
HACK!
And there it goes! Bingo! Straight out of their
account and into ours.
He taps another key.
HACK!
And on it goes. Back into the accounts of all the
poor. Each and every one reimbursed with the money
the bankers took from them. There you have it,
Churl! The wonders of technology! At your service!
The poor dance and hug each other, tears streaming down their faces.
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
The Scary Men are clapping each other on the shoulder and
doing high-fives, except for BigBonus John who is looking at
the computer screen.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh? Boss? Look at this. On your screen. It says
'Balance Zero.' What's that mean? Duh? Now it says
'All Balances Zero.'
HOOD
What? What? My bonus!
My bonus! It's gone!
Where? Where? Aaargh!
(Collapses on his knees, weeping. The scary men look
about them with fear - they panic and run.)
 THE END