---------
Tables sag under the weight of food
and drink.
-------------------------------------
Ali
Has everybody got a drink? If not,
get one!
Nicky
Yesh! Thashan order!
Ali
Shuddup, Nicky, you little swot!
Nicky
You shuddup, yourself!
Knocking sound from door.
Berk
There's someone at the door.
Ali
See who it is then, you little
squirt.
Berk
He says he's Ed the Impaler!
Ali
Who? I've heard of Ed the Milliprat,
but not Ed the Impaler.
Ed the Impaler, a fearsome creature
wearing a ferocious mask,and accompanied by Ballsie, has crept in and
is standing behind Ali, grimacing.
Audience
LOOK BEHIND YOU! LOOK BEHIND YOU!
Ali
What? Good heavens! Who are you!
Ed
Don't you recognise me? It's me. Ed.
April Fool!!
Ballsie
Oh God! It's bloody Christmas, Ed, -
not April Fool's Day!
Ed
Oh. Where's the drink, then?
Nicky
Over here! Itsh nyshe to meet you,
Fred.
Ballsie
Who's paying for this lot?
Ali
I dunno. Ask George.
Audience
BOO! HISS! DOWN WITH GEORGE!
Knocking at door. Berk opens it and
peers out. A hungry-looking old man stands there, clutching a crust
of bread.
Berk
Who are you?
Old Man
I'm a taxpayer, sir.
Berk
Who the hell let you in here? I'll
have his hide for this.
Nicky
Whasshup, Berk? Who ish it?
Berk
It's a taxpayer.
Ali
A what?
Berk
A taxpayer.
Ali
What's that?
Vince
Come on, Ali. He's one of the people
who pay us.
Ali
Oh God, Vince. Are you off again?
Vince
Seriously, Ali. The taxpayers pay
their taxes and that's where the money comes from that we spend.
Nicky
Aha! Then we musht thank him. Show
him in! Give him champagne!
The old man enters and peers
around.
Old Man
Oh dear.
Nicky
Have a drink, old gentleman. Here'sh
champagne that you've paid for. Itsh very good! Try it! Merry
Christmash!
Old Man
I don't think I will, thank you. I
think I've come to the wrong place. I'm looking for the House of
Commons.
Ali
Show him out, Berk.
Berk
This way, old man. All the way down
the corridor and first left.
Ali
Has he gone?
Berk
Yes, I sent him off to the House of
Lords! Tee hee.
Roars of laughter and back-slapping
all round.
Ali raises hand for quiet, produces
magic lamp and rubs it. Flash of lightning, thunder.
Genie
Shazam! What is your wish, oh Great
One?
Nicky
How about...
Ali
He means me, you frightful little
squirt!
Nicky
What sher name, genie?
Ali
Ignore him and bring more food and
wine. Now!
Genie
Shazam! It is done, master!
Ali
Good.
Ballsie
Who's paying for this?
Ali
Oh, do shut up. Who cares? Anyway,
ask George. Where is he, by the way?
Audience
BOO! HISS!
Berk
Well, he had two drinks and got a
hangover. He's gone off to bed.
Audience
HURRAH!
Vince
Bloody marvellous. Should be at the
economic helm of the nation and he's nursing a hangover.
Ballsie
Typical.
Ali
Shut bloody up! Where's Andy?
Nicky
He'sh in Rew, Rer, Roganda. Thatsh
it, Runada, no, Ruanda.
Vince
Handing out the millions, no doubt.
Ali
Andy isn't Minister for Aid any more.
Don't you read the papers?
Enter Andy, wearing tropical
kit and carrying a skull.
Andy
Hello, everyone! Merry Christmas from
Ruanda. Here's a gift for you, Ali.
It's the pickled skull of a
neanderthal pleb.
Ali
Don't use that word!
Andy
What word?
Ali
Pickled. We've got to try and stay
sober! Ha ha!
Berk
I heard your limo broke down, Andy.
Ali
Is it made by a British company?
Nicky
Yesh! Ish it Britishish?
Ali
If so, let's sell it to some foreign
johnnie. Vince, get on to it immediately after Christmas.
Try the Chinese.
Nick
What about Tibet?.
Ali
Shut up, damn you. I can't wait for
the next election and you'll be out.
Nicky
Don't bank on it, shmoothie face.
I'll be talking to Ed.
Ed the Impaler leaps to his
side.
Ed
Great idea, Nicky! Let's talk now!
Ali
Hey! Where are you going?
Ballsie
Just stay where you are Ali.
Vince
Yes. Watch it.
Berk
Here, you can't talk like that to our
leader!
Ballsie pushes him over. Berk crashes
into drinks table. Bottles flying. Members trying to save them.
Knocking at the door. Berk staggers
up and opens it.
Berk
Blimey! Er. Welcome, Your Majesty!
Members stop scrambling about, stand
in horrified silence.
Then, Berk waves his arms about - and
leads them in the national anthem!
All
God save our gracious Queen, Long
live our noble Queen, God save the Queen!
God make all Euros sick, Confound
their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks, God
save the Queen!
THE END