Wednesday, 20 November 2013

It's Panto Time!!



PANTOMIME!
"Ali Cam'ron and the Assorted Thieves”
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It's Christmas Party time at the House of Commons.
Tables sag under the weight of food and drink.
Members are in their usual serious, guiding-the-nation mode.
-------------------------------------

Ali
Has everybody got a drink? If not, get one!
Nicky
Yesh! Thashan order!
Ali
Shuddup, Nicky, you little swot!
Nicky
You shuddup, yourself!
Knocking sound from door.
Berk
There's someone at the door.
Ali
See who it is then, you little squirt.
Berk
He says he's Ed the Impaler!
Ali
Who? I've heard of Ed the Milliprat, but not Ed the Impaler.
Ed the Impaler, a fearsome creature wearing a ferocious mask,and accompanied by Ballsie, has crept in and is standing behind Ali, grimacing.
Audience
LOOK BEHIND YOU! LOOK BEHIND YOU!
Ali
What? Good heavens! Who are you!
Ed
Don't you recognise me? It's me. Ed. April Fool!!
Ballsie
Oh God! It's bloody Christmas, Ed, - not April Fool's Day!
Ed
Oh. Where's the drink, then?
Nicky
Over here! Itsh nyshe to meet you, Fred.
Ballsie
Who's paying for this lot?
Ali
I dunno. Ask George.
Audience
BOO! HISS! DOWN WITH GEORGE!
Knocking at door. Berk opens it and peers out. A hungry-looking old man stands there, clutching a crust of bread.
Berk
Who are you?
Old Man
I'm a taxpayer, sir.
Berk
Who the hell let you in here? I'll have his hide for this.
Nicky
Whasshup, Berk? Who ish it?
Berk
It's a taxpayer.
Ali
A what?
Berk
A taxpayer.
Ali
What's that?
Vince
Come on, Ali. He's one of the people who pay us.
Ali
Oh God, Vince. Are you off again?
Vince
Seriously, Ali. The taxpayers pay their taxes and that's where the money comes from that we spend.
Nicky
Aha! Then we musht thank him. Show him in! Give him champagne!
The old man enters and peers around.
Old Man
Oh dear.
Nicky
Have a drink, old gentleman. Here'sh champagne that you've paid for. Itsh very good! Try it! Merry Christmash!
Old Man
I don't think I will, thank you. I think I've come to the wrong place. I'm looking for the House of Commons.
Ali
Show him out, Berk.
Berk
This way, old man. All the way down the corridor and first left.
Ali
Has he gone?
Berk
Yes, I sent him off to the House of Lords! Tee hee.
Roars of laughter and back-slapping all round.
Ali raises hand for quiet, produces magic lamp and rubs it. Flash of lightning, thunder.
Genie
Shazam! What is your wish, oh Great One?
Nicky
How about...
Ali
He means me, you frightful little squirt!
Nicky
What sher name, genie?
Ali
Ignore him and bring more food and wine. Now!
Genie
Shazam! It is done, master!
Ali
Good.
Ballsie
Who's paying for this?
Ali
Oh, do shut up. Who cares? Anyway, ask George. Where is he, by the way?
Audience
BOO! HISS!
Berk
Well, he had two drinks and got a hangover. He's gone off to bed.
Audience
HURRAH!
Vince
Bloody marvellous. Should be at the economic helm of the nation and he's nursing a hangover.
Ballsie
Typical.
Ali
Shut bloody up! Where's Andy?
Nicky
He'sh in Rew, Rer, Roganda. Thatsh it, Runada, no, Ruanda.
Vince
Handing out the millions, no doubt.
Ali
Andy isn't Minister for Aid any more. Don't you read the papers?
Enter Andy, wearing tropical kit and carrying a skull.
Andy
Hello, everyone! Merry Christmas from Ruanda. Here's a gift for you, Ali.
It's the pickled skull of a neanderthal pleb.
Ali
Don't use that word!
Andy
What word?
Ali
Pickled. We've got to try and stay sober! Ha ha!
Berk
I heard your limo broke down, Andy.
Ali
Is it made by a British company?
Nicky
Yesh! Ish it Britishish?
Ali
If so, let's sell it to some foreign johnnie. Vince, get on to it immediately after Christmas.
Try the Chinese.
Nick
What about Tibet?.
Ali
Shut up, damn you. I can't wait for the next election and you'll be out.
Nicky
Don't bank on it, shmoothie face. I'll be talking to Ed.
Ed the Impaler leaps to his side.
Ed
Great idea, Nicky! Let's talk now!
Ali
Hey! Where are you going?
Ballsie
Just stay where you are Ali.
Vince
Yes. Watch it.
Berk
Here, you can't talk like that to our leader!
Ballsie pushes him over. Berk crashes into drinks table. Bottles flying. Members trying to save them.
Knocking at the door. Berk staggers up and opens it.
Berk
Blimey! Er. Welcome, Your Majesty!

Members stop scrambling about, stand in horrified silence.
Then, Berk waves his arms about - and leads them in the national anthem!
All
God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen, God save the Queen!
God make all Euros sick, Confound their politics,
Frustrate their knavish tricks, God save the Queen!

THE END












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