Tuesday, 8 December 2015

The New Opposition Leader's Got Dave and George Worried.

Yes, Jeremy Corbyn is keeping them awake at night.  They're looking grumpy whenever I see them.  What with the rising debt and floods in the north of England (where it is, they're not quite sure) refugees, bombing Syria and Jeremy's unusual style, my client is not bursting with seasonal jollity right now.  And Dave and George are expecting me to make a big sale before Christmas, as well.  Not easy.  And I wish they'd stop sending me snotty e-mails about getting on with it. Anyway, I'm going for the big one. I'm going to suggest leasing out the House of Commons.  It's rarely used now, hardly ever full (except when they voted for their own pay rise) and could bring in some useful cash for George, on an on-going basis. And a decent bonus for me.  Not sure how the idea will go down with Dave, but we'll see.
In the meantime, gentle reader, Season's Greetings and a Happy Christmas.

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Does Jeremy Corbyn Scare the Daylights out of Dave and George?

Well, I think he does. and I'll tell you how I know. I can't get any time with either of them to pitch my new idea for a sell-off.  I want to get them to agree that I sell-off the Privy Council. I bet there are many countries in the world who would love a Privy Council.  All that tradition and stuff is just what newly formed nations want.  I bet they'd pay a ton for it and I'd get a nice little bonus.  The problem is that whenever I ask to see Dave - or even George - I get the brush off.  I asked why. "'They're locked in with their spin team and Lynton," I was told by the ravishing Peaches McClean, who's temping at Number Ten.  (Peaches is my new confidante.)

I figure that they're worried about Corbyn's unusual approach to PMQs.  So they've got their heads down trying to come up with a hundred more briefs to the blue-banner press to rubbish the poor guy.  As if that hadn't been done enough already.  They're also scared that the public will finally realise that everything they say - Dave and George that is - is very dodgy. All of which means that I can't get on with my job - selling off Britain.   So I'm gonna update my c.v. and see if there are any interesting assignments around for a man of my calibre and accomplishments.  I can't sit about waiting for Dave and his little pal much longer.  (I'm told Dave calls George, 'Tonto' when he's not around!)

Monday, 15 June 2015

I've been a month now with Dave and George...

And it's not proving very lucrative.  I can't even get an interview with them to discuss my next sell-off.  And you'd think that would be easy in view of the tsunami deficit they've got.  And I've got a stunning possibility - Scotland!  I know Dave hates the place since he went on a shoot and caught his pants on a gorse bush.  And he hates even more the 'Virgin Sturgeon' as he calls the lady leader of the SNP.  But, it's no entry through the portals of Number Ten.  They don't want any interruptions from yours truly while they try to sort out the EU referendum mess they've created.  Things are looking bad.  I overheard this conversation the other day:

"You know, I'm not sure if Dave is alright these days. Do you think he's got some mental affliction? Everything he says is wrong. Everything he suggest is unworkable. Perhaps we should take some soundings and see if we can put up an alternative. What do you think?”
“Worth a try. Another double?”
“Yes, thanks. What do you think about finding a pleb for an alternative? It would help us get over our image of being the toffs' party.”
“Do we have any plebs in the party?”
“Couldn't say. Have to ask around.”

Monday, 18 May 2015

All Change at Westminster. An Up-to-Date Report from JAson Bryggs.


I now work for Dave and George. I thought I might not appeal to George, him being a bit obsessed with the numbers and me not being an accountant, much less a CFO from the City.
But him and Dave approved another year on my contract. Plus the car and the bonus. So, why not? Pity about Nick – he was an easy-going sort of guy. But there you go. British politics. Can you believe the winners represent only 24% of the populace? Honest. Do the numbers.

The first thing I did was to ask them if I could sell off the NHS. They gave each other a quick look and I was instructed to stay away from it. Then I asked them if I could sell the BBC. Wow! That got a lot more attention! Dave asked me if I could really do it. George listened intently. I said, of course I could, no problem. In my head I was rapidly reviewing potential buyers – Murdoch, Dubai, Branson, EDF, the odd oligarch or two.... But the PM told me to do nothing and that he would advise when I should start seeking buyers. I don't know why he wants me to do it – they could sell it off at the drop of a hat to one of their mates.

This is a lousy job, selling off British assets to pay the National Debt, but somebody has to do it.....
so why not me? And the bonus is great.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

A brief commercial.... (because the book has a use-by date - May 7, 2015)

......with reviews of 'The Government's Top Salesman Tells All':


"Author John Problem has a healthily irreverent attitude to the government and a very funny way of writing about "The Prime Minister and Nick". The opening of the book explains what Jason Bryggs' new job is: to sell off whatever national assets he can in order to reduce the National Debt. Some of the characters are a bit far-fetched but usually very amusing; at times this book is laugh aloud funny. The writing style is sharp and pithy and moves along at a cracking pace. I read it in a couple of sittings and thoroughly enjoyed it. Light hearted and entertaining but with overtones of seriousness, The Government's Top Salesman is well worth a look.

Laugh-out -loud - and timely!


Very creative,good British humour,wide ranging display of culture , much travelled.I particularly enjoyed the hero Jason Bryggs's visits to Paris and Prague, a joy.

A formidable piece of incisive and entertaining satire. The hero (Jason) is just right for the subject - cynical but light; worldly wise but self preoccupied. I love the overall style, the educated and informed easy flow of the intelligent dialogue, and the 007 atmosphere, created beautifully. The characters are nicely drawn, likeable, colourful and credible - and Jason particularly provides so much corroborative detail that I find him thoroughly convincing. 007 for the 21st century. John Problem wants watching!
The ladies too are real characters, rather than cameos, and they carefully and cunningly avoid the "Leaping into bed " alley, so predictable and tedious in the more narcissistic variants of the genre."

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

So, it will soon be Election Time - so where are our leaders?

On the Election Trail of course.  Where else?  They think if they chat up the voters, they'll stay in power.  But they never get to talk to any voters!  The only people they dare talk to are their own party members.  Indoors.  They don't want a ripe tomato in the chops, which could well happen if they went out on the streets.  They're not stupid, you know.

Anyway, I've been trying to think of something I could sell - bring in a bit more bonus and earn me some brownie points with Dave and Nick, in case they get re-elected.  I'm not sure I'm Ed's type, really. I could work for Nige but he won't get to be PM of course.  So I drew up a short list (OK, I had drunk a tad of whisky before writing this list) of State items I could put on the market:

Chequers  (This would only work if Dave reckons he'll be delisted)
The Athenaeum Club  
Eton
Scunthorpe Secondary Modern
The M25  (The Chinese might be interested)
The tax-payers' subsidy to Covent Garden Opera House (It's a lot and could be re-sold at a profit)
A lease on the House of Commons for 5 days a week.  (It's hardly used now)
The NHS (No, our leaders already started on that)
Wales.
And that's about it, really.
In any event, neither Dave nor Nick will be very much interested in doing anything for the poor old country just now. They are a bit pre-occupied these days, as if they see the apocalypse approaching......