Monday, 31 October 2016
Still no strategy from the PM. My contacts in Whitehall say it's like being in recess (that's what they call holidays) as they stand around waiting for the word from the PM. Then things warmed up yesterday. As I'm the government's top salesman, it was no surprise when Boris called me to his office with a sales idea. He was shaking his blond mop in frustration.
"Jason," he said. "I want to get things going. Shake things up a bit. Alea jacta est if you see what I mean."
"Oh, absolutely," I responded.
"What I want to do is to get the bloody Euros into a good mood, see."
"Soften 'em up a bit so the PM and I can negotiate from strength. I want our negotiations to be a prime example of veni, vedi, vinci."
"Of course," I said, somewhat puzzled.
"What have we got that you could sell to them?"
"Something that really interests them that we can offer them at a price they can't refuse. Come on, now. What have we got?"
He got up out of his chair and straightened his tie.
"I'm off to see the PM so you start thinking up something good while I'm gone. She's giving me ten minutes so I'll soon be back."
I sat there thinking, looking out of the window at the pigeons. When Boris came back in to his office I had a few suggestions ready. He's shaking his blond mop again, looking rather as though he'd just had a bad interview with the Head Mistress.
"Well? Well?" he bellowed.
"I have a list for your consideration, Minister."
"Ah! Well done. Knew I could rely on you. Well, what?"
"I think the EU is always interested in expanding its frontiers. So we should offer them some big real estate."
"Good! Smart fellow. Like what?"
"The Isle of Wight?"
"H'm. Bit small. Rather an odd place. What else?"
"Yes! Yes! Brilliant, Jason. Simply brilliant! Summum bonum! I shall tell the PM at once!"
And off he went. And so did I. I reckon I can get a big bonus for this idea if it helps Brexit to move along a bit.....