It's financial crunch-time for Great Britain. The galactic interest charges on the National Debt must be paid. The Prime Minister and her Cabinet are desperate to sell assets to raise cash. Only one man can save the nation. Jason Bryggs. He'll sell anything to maximise his bonus....
Jeremy has called me to his office and I am sat waiting as he deals with a
phone call, in which he listens and someone the other end appears to
be speaking most emphatically. Eventually he puts the phone down and
massages his head and then his chin. He looks as though he's just had a conversation with a severe Head Mistress.
Bryggs. Um. I have a task for you which must be handled with great
care, secrecy, circumspection, and for your eyes only, as it were.”
It's a property deal.”
an estate agent be more suitable?” I ask. I really need a change
from selling bricks and mortar.
no. Indeed, no. Security is paramount. And you must sign a
confidentiality agreement, before leaving this office. But I want to
get the ball rolling so I will give you the brief. No note taking,
gets up and makes sure his office door is shut.
It has come to our notice that the owner of the leasehold on 105
Victoria Street, Westminster, is thinking of disposing of it and
realising some cash. I want you to arrange matters so that a new
owner – whom we shall specify - is fully advised of what's
happening, and buys it. We do not wish to be involved in any way
whatsoever. You have been chosen to consummate this delicate task.”
want me to advise a chosen buyer to step up and buy the lease. Why
you are trusted, dear boy, to be circumspect.”
is this prospective purchaser?
never does anything without his brother involved.”
Jason! You are clearly capable of this task. Mr. Krov is an
important man and needs careful handling. As does his unusual
met them once.”
better. What did you think of them?”
wouldn't like to meet either of them in an alley on a dark night.”
laughs for at least half a minute. I smile stiffly.
Very good,” he says. “Go and see STAYPUT the people who handle
the leasehold for its current owner. Get what info you can. And then
see the brothers Krov. Can do?”
give it my best shot.”
Report back in three days. Act fast, please. We don't want to miss
opportunity? What is our new Foreign Minister up to here? Or is the emphatic person on
the phone driving this 'task'?
go and see STAYPUT, the property investment management company. What
lot of po-faces. They asked me to sign a compliance document before
they'd even let me take the lift. They
looked at me as though I was something that had crawled out from
under a brick of one of their properties. Until I mentioned Boris. Now it's all sweet as pie.
Why is it that in England everybody in the real estate business are
such jerks? Anyway, they gave me a fat file.
is the pertinent dossier for your task, Mr.Bryggs,” said the fat
one in a pin-stripe suit (70s? 80s?). The next time someone uses
the word 'task' to my face, I'll thump him.
hope it's complete. Call me a cab, would you?” I say.
phoned Alexei Krov, whose home number I still have, although I've
never been there. In fact, I don't even know his origins, except
he's not Russian. There's nothing on the web about his life before
he arrived in London and he didn't share such info with me when we
met last year. It was at a cocktail party given by one of my
clients. I accidentally spilt bourbon on his remarkable girlfriend's
dress. I expected something nasty as a result. I could see that his
brother was clenching his fists. But Alexei seemed amused.
not a problem, young man,” he said. “Ekaterina has many dresses.
I shall send for one now.”
the usual statuesque blonde you see with these guys, looked like she
couldn't care either.
no problem,” she said to Alexei. “I can go myself.”
off she went, deliberately slinking, it seemed to me.
man, tell me your name. You have precipitated what was already
beginning to happen.”
Bryggs. What was going to happen?”
are bored with each other. Just looking for a way to finish the
relationship, you know. And you spilling the bourbon did the
that's a relief.”
Jason. First, I get you a bourbon. Second, feel free to call me if
ever you need. Here is my card.”
invited me meet him at his penthouse. So that's where I am now,
having been shown in by an old crone in a black overall. The room
I'm in appears to be a very large living-room, lounge of some sort.
It glitters. Every piece of furniture is gilded. Armchairs, side
tables, drinks cabinet, even a foot-stool. The carpets seem to have
gilt threads, the curtains too. One wall is completely glass with a
very wide view over London's skyscrapers. I pick up a cushion and
examine the design. A design picked out in gilt. It seems to be a
rampant lion with a motto underneath 'Noli me tangere.'
means don't touch me,” says a voice over my shoulder.
Alexei's brother, Yassili, or Yasso as he's called. He has crept up
behind me soundlessly. He has very pale blue eyes, long crimped red
hair onto his shoulders, and is tall and thin. Dressed in black
leather as though he was about to get on a Harley.
hallo,” I say cheerfully.
says nothing and just walks away. Then Alexei comes in, all smiles
time no see, Jason. How are you? Busy with your new job, I suppose.
please. And how are you?”
Fine.” He presses a gilded button on the wall.
and look at the view.”
go to the window again and look out across London. Then I look down
and see a swimming pool with what appears to be a small wave slowly
moving across it.
latest addition. On the floor below.”
girl in a gilded dress and no shoes walks in carrying a gilded tray
with the coffee. The cups and saucers have gilded rims.
this is Valerie. Valerie, this is Jason, a friend who did me a favour
has no doubt come to be recompensed,” says Yasso, creeping up
to meet yew,” says Valerie with a perfect Essex accent. I notice
she has gilded highlights to her hair.
your coffee,” she says and walks off, glancing back at Alexei with
a tilt of her head. Then she sees Yasso is looking at her, and
is no doubt that your English girls are very beautiful., says Alexei.
Jason. To business. I understand you have a proposition for me.”
I tell him about 105 Victoria Street, Westminster. And the asking
price!” says Yasso.
nods his head and walks up and down the room, hands behind his back
like Napoleon. He turns and looks at me.
small, isn't it? Not enough storeys to get what Yasso and I consider
is an adequate return. Does your portfolio say if more storeys can be
I hadn't thought of that. But then I never imagined you could add
storeys to an existing building. Odd.
not sure. Let me find out for you,” I say.
profits Kensington,” says Yasso.
that, Jason, and call me tomorrow. Yasso will take you back to your
please don't bother. I can get a cab.”
would be very disappointed,” says Alexei, pointedly.
we take the lift down to the parking basement. He's got a Harley.
he says. I get on the rear seat.
he says, handing me a helmet.
accelerates up the ramp, roars out on to the street, zooms between
the traffic, the cabs, the buses, the cyclists, and skids to
a halt outside my office.
thanks,” I say. “Most enjoyable.”
roars off, making the most of his enhanced exhaust.
call Jeremy and tell him about the Krov brothers' reactions.
How many storeys has it got?”
it be built on further?”
doubt it. Anyway, frankly, I think they're just playing games.
Either to get the price down, which will depend on the owner. Or to
get something out of you, that they want.”
I mean the government.”
see. Like what?”
haven't a clue.”
ask them then.”
now I'm walking into the penthouse again, led by the old crone in the
black overall. The brothers Krov are there, talking animatedly in a
language I cannot discern.
Jason. Welcome. You have met my mother, of course. Mama this is
Jason Bryggs, a friend.”
old crone is his mother? I give her a slight bow, thinking this might
be the right thing to do. She is clearly pleased and shakes my hand
Mama. We'll see you later,” says Alexei, firmly. Yasso kisses her
cheek tenderly and she leaves.
tell them that my government is keen to complete
the transaction in view and wonders
if anything specific can be done to
reach this goal. Yasso is watching me.
there is, actually, Jason.” He pauses.
sure whatever it is will have the P.M.'s closest consideration.”
So this is the deal clincher. Yasso wants a Lordship. He wants to be
made a Lord.”
don't know whether to laugh or cry. If I laugh, Yasso will probably
get nasty. So I keep a straight face. Come to think of it, why
shouldn't he be made a Lord? Him and Alexei give enough to the
P.M.s' party. And the last prime minister gave honours to all his
mates and helpers – including even his wife's hairdresser I
my personal opinion is that it should not be a problem. Just allow me
to refer back to my masters.”
is actually smiling. Sort of.
Jason,” says Alexei, patting Yasso on the back. “My brother will
be very pleased. And he will carry out all his lordly duties with
nods his head violently.
leave, bowing slightly to the old crone. Back in my office, I can no
longer hold in the laughter. One of the girls opens the door.
laughter is because I am imagining the scene when Yasso, stary eyes
and crimped red hair to his shoulders, turns up for the first time at
the House of Lords. Maybe with his Mama. But on second thoughts the
other Lords are pretty weird too, judging by the BBC Parliament TV
programme. And all of them picking up £300 a day of tax-payers'
money. Good job there's only 900 of them or the country would be
call Jeremy to tell him the good news.
shouldn't think the PM would have a problem with making him a Lord,”
I ask the key question.
so important about 105, Victoria Street?”
Well. Um. It houses the national headquarters of the Labour Party. Strictly
between us, the PM will ask the Krovs to terminate the Labour Party's
lease just before the next election. Which will certainly cause
chaos for them and entirely mess up their electioneering. That's her
quite the sort of thing we'd approve of at Chaterhouse and Oxford.”
to say, Yasso soon got his much-desired Lordship.
......and have written a book about my experiences.
'Theresa, Boris and Me, Jason. The Government's Top Salesman Tells All.'
Some kind reviewers said of it:
government has decided to sell off Britain's national treasures so
that the interest on the National Debt can be paid. We follow the
Government's Top Salesman – Jason Bryggs – as he finds buyers for
anything that can make him rich and enhance his bonus'
book is an insightful romp about a nation struggling to pay down its
debt. Characters abound and plots sizzle, but politics rules all.
Timely and very entertaining.'
formidable piece of incisive and entertaining satire.'
hero provides so much corroborative detail that I find him utterly
Affairs Correspondent, Incho Blink, reports that in an amazing
U-turn, the British Prime Minister and her latest Minister for
International Development have cancelled the £15 billion per annum
of foreign aid intended for 51 countries in the third world and
decided to donate this amount to a single destination instead.
Minister's Office and the Ministry for International Development
issued the following joint statement:
“It is part of
Britain's DNA to assist those with economic problems, especially the
weak and the poor around the world. But, in our unyielding
endeavours to ensure that the British tax-payer gets best value for
his and her foreign aid contributions, we have discovered much
corruption which is unacceptable. For example:
created so as to receive aid
bundled with foreign aid and converted into private trusts benefiting
built for one ruler
construction of a
airstrip to receive supersonic aircraft
kitted out with foreign aid funds and then rented out as security
It is clearly not
right for the British tax-payer to continue to fund such practices so
Her Majesty's Government has decided to grant the totality of the
foreign aid to a reliable state and after much discussion and
consultation has nominated Northern Ireland as the future recipient.”
reports that India was much put out when hearing of this decision,
whilst President Macron issued a statement saying he was glad France
had not been considered as a beneficiary. The 51 countries that had
originally been put forward for foreign aid called for United Nations
sanctions against Britain, whilst the League of African States
labelled Britain's volte-face as “the result of selfish thinking in
fading colonialist countries.” Wales and Scotland have declared
independence and the EU has increased its divorce payment demands. A
spokesman for No. 10 said 'We have always been clear that we want to
get best value for the British tax-payer and have always been
committed to this.... Er...um....”