John Problem Interviews Satan
JP: Good morning, Sir, and thank you for talking to us again.
Satan: You are fortunate that I am in a good mood this morning.
JP: I’m sure my readers will be delighted to know that you are in a good
mood, this morning. And will be pleased to know why.
Satan: Brexit.
JP: Brexit?
Satan: Yes, Brexit. The best thing that could have happened to your piddling
little country in centuries.
JP: Really?
Satan: Yes. A splendid disaster! Absolutely splendid! Your piddling little
country will find its rightful place in the world. Forgotten.
JP: I’m afraid I don’t understand.
Satan: Then I’ll explain it to you. Firstly your leaders have to negotiate with
the European Council, the European Commission and the European
Parliament. And its 27 different countries, none of whom particularly
likes your country. They think you give yourself airs. Then your leaders
will have to negotiate with the World Trade Organisation – 60 countries.
And then with a whole host of other countries to trade with. Frankly,
your leaders aren’t up to it. They are not elected for their brain-power,
that’s for sure. And they have no experience of trade and
negotiation. No, I’m wrong. That dimwit Jeremy Hunt tried to sell
marmalade to the Japanese!
JP: But our government is hiring 750 people to negotiate for them.
Satan: If you don’t know how to negotiate yourself, how do you know how to
choose someone to do it for you, eh? No. Mark my words. Your
piddling little country will be mired in inefficient negotiation for years to
come, trade will die, businesses will fail, prices will be going up all the
time and people will starve even. Most satisfactory, your Brexit.
Pageviews from the past week
Saturday 26 October 2019
Friday 26 July 2019
Vladi and I.
Today I had a message from Vladimir
Putin, whom I met when he was a cop in St. Petersburg.
We've kept in touch on and off, mostly
by e-mail, which is safe and innocent for him.
“Dobriye den, Jason,
I hope you are well despite all
horrible things happening in your birthplace.
So, I observe your country is no longer
democratic! Is great shame you leave our community of fairly elected
leaders. Very regrettable.
How can you allow only 92,000 old white
men elect your leader? Is incredible! All the nations of the world
revere England's fair ways, her brave speakers for the people, the
great fairness of her society. But now you throw away democracy and
allow only 0.15% of your electorate to put in place a new leader of
your country. 0.15%!! And they are all old white conservative voters
who have paid £10 each to vote! In Russia cost much more to vote!
And the new leader is man of dubious
morality, a shouter, a self-confessed intellectual! Who is not
representative of the people – he go to private school where only
7% of children go in your country! How could you do this, John? Is
incredible! And he wants so desperately to leave the EU.! What is
wrong here? Leave the EU and your country die, economically. Your
country die diplomatically. Your country die!
Come and see me in Moscow – we work
something out for you.
Budem, Jason!
Vladi.”
Friday 5 July 2019
Selling Shakespeare.
From my diary...
Recently, Boris has started having me
in to his office for a weekly meeting.
His agenda is always the same. What's
on the horizon that could bring in big money, and what's the
situation concerning any current negotiations. In particular, can
payment be speeded up. As Foreign Minister he needs money to impress
wily foreigners, he tells me...
He's doing knee-bends when I walk in.
“Sit,” he gasps. “What's new?”
I go through a few items and then get
to today's big one, selling off the Bard.
He stops his exercises and collapses
into his office chair, mopping his brow.
“Most..um..interesting,” he
splutters. We wait until he has regained his breath.
“Yes, most interesting.”
“Well, for me, the big question is
who do I approach with the idea. Presumably it would be a rather
sensitive issue in some quarters.”
“Yes.” He massages his head. Then
he rubs his knee.
“I know! Iran!” he exclaims. “Yes,
Iran!”
“Iran? Does the Supreme Leader like
Shakespeare?”
“Oh no. She's not cultural at all.
She won't mind if you sell Shakespeare.”
“Er...I meant Iran's Supreme Leader.”
“Hah! Oh dear! Lapsus lingua, what?
Anyway, Jason, it may surprise you to know that the Iranians are
extremely keen on Shakespeare. They had an international Conference
about him last year, and are continuously giving productions, in
English and Farsee. I know this because I met their Cultural
Ambassador at a dinner last month. Very cultivated johnnie. I'll
call him on Monday and see if he's interested.”
The 'cultivated johnnie' is coming to
see me this morning. He told Boris he's quite happy to come to my
office as he likes to stroll along the Mall. When he is shown in, I
am somewhat surprised. Not wearing robes, no beard, no sandals, no
studious glasses. Instead a silk Molteboini suit, swept back grey
hair, slight tan, impeccable. Brilliant white teeth, too. And
Hollywood looks. His name is Gatros Aresten. One of the girls brings
in coffee and leaves the room backing towards the door, gawping at my
visitor. After a general chat, I ask him my key question.
“Does Ayatollah Khameini appreciate
Shakespeare, Mr. Aresten?”
“Indeed, he does. The Ayatollah, whom
Allah preserve, has the highest admiration for the Bard. I know he
will be interested in acquiring the rights to this genius.”
“Well, that's wonderful,” I say.
“We have a long tradition of showing
Shakespeare. All of his plays have been produced in Iran. There is
even a movie of a production of 'The Merchant of Venice' from 1928.
Quite amusing. In those days women were not permitted to appear on
stage so the female characters were played by young men wearing large
wigs. Along with 'Hamlet' and 'The Tempest', 'The Merchant of
Venice' is a favourite in my country.”
“Forgive my ignorance. I had no
idea.”
“The Ayatollah said that he considers
Shakespeare to be a fine moral dramatist. With a high regard for
values. Western values of course.”
“Ah. I have to say that we would not
wish Shakespeare's works to be modified by a purchaser to suit
particular political needs. The texts must remain unadulterated.”
“Dear me, Doctor Bryggs. We are not
savages, you know. We had a civilisation long before your merchants
started colonising. And we have a fine literature of our own. Which
reminds me, we would not be interested in buying the sonnets. We have
our own poetry of a particularly high standard and dating from many
centuries before Shakespeare left his home town for London. What
would be the price you are seeking for the plays?”
I tell him. He raises an eye-brow. It's
a big number - which I calculated by taking the net earnings of the
latest blockbuster Shakespeare movie, multiplying it by 37 (the
number of plays) and then by 50 (the number of years I reckon the
Bard will last.)
“I think I know how you arrived at
that figure,” he says smiling. “But please reduce it by one
thirty-seventh as we are not interested in the play 'Pericles, Prince
of Tyre.' It is a confused piece of drama and has long been
considered unworthy of production by your own critics.”
O.K. Hopefully, he isn't aware that
'Two Noble Kinsmen' was half written by another guy called Fletcher.
“Then there is the play 'Two Noble
Kinsmen.' As this was half-written by John Fletcher, we would not be
interested in purchasing it. So another one thirty-seventh may be
deducted.”
“Of course.”
“We also would like to see included
in the price, the original plans for the construction of the Globe
theatre.”
“Do they still exist?”
“I don't mean the original of 1599, I
mean the Sam Wanamaker Globe of 1997.”
“Ah. No problem.”
“Excellent. I will report back to my
Ayatollah, whom Allah preserve, and have the legal documents drawn
up.”
I'm glad I don't work in Legal.
They'll have to be extra careful with this guy.
“As a matter of interest, what is the
name of the young lady who brought in the coffee?”
Saturday 13 April 2019
Les Ambitions Europeennes du President Macron.
[This is a translation of my recent interview with President Macron.
'What are your main
ambitions, Monsieur le President?'
'I have two of them. To
become President of the European Union.
And to punish Britain.'
'I can understand the
first. But why do you want to punish Britain.
What for?'
'Three reasons. The
stupidity of their desire to leave the EU. Their school-boy attitude
to the EU. And the gross vulgarity of their Trade Minister. I
explain.
One. Their referendum was
intended as a political support for that old Etonian Cameron. It
didn't work. What a fine legacy! Their politicians are always
talking about the will of the British People. But less than a
quarter of the British voted to leave!
Two. That conceited fool,
Rees-Mogg, opined that Britain should be as obstructive as possible
during its remaining time in the EU. Block the budget, the potential
army, and further integration and be the most difficult member of the
EU.'
'And the third?'
'Need I say? That salaud
of a Trade Minister you have. He said of me – is he still sleeping
with his grand-mother? A disgusting, sickening and inexcusable
comment. A fine English gentleman he is. And he knows nothing about
trade. So there you have it. Enough reason to justify my wish to
punish Britain, I think.'
'
Thursday 14 March 2019
The View from Abroad - what foreign politicians say about ours...
THE VIEW FROM ABROAD – WHAT
FOREIGN POLITICIANS SAY ABOUT OURS.
We have obtained
the following statements from the speakers themselves to whom we are
indebted.
Michel Barnier, Brussels. (1)
Ah, Bon Dieu!”
Monsieur Macron, France.
“I have little
time for these Tories, and least of all for those who are always
trying to tell we in Europe what we must do when they have not got a
clue what they are doing.”
Madame Merkel, Germany.
“For me, the
work ethic is the strongest bond of Europe. Without this, nothing. I
do not perceive a work ethic with the present government of Britain.
Banal und dumm.”
President Trump, USA.
“It's a little
nauseating, the way their guys are always cozying up to us and
talking about the special relationship. Can't they understand that
the USA needs a special relationship with a whole lotta countries?”
President Putin, Russian Federation.
“Russia has very
good relations with Britain – especially in Chelsea. And
Kensington. And Harrods. Because we invest there.”
Secretary General Xi Jinping, China.
“Go dae secy yu.
Shaozu. Ye heng de. Sha gua!”
(Our translator
says these words mean:
Go dae secy yu.
Fish, vegetable, chicken soup.
(Perhaps this is
an arcane reference to the House of Commons restaurants.)
Shaozu. Bring
honour to ancestors.
(A glance
back at famous politicians?)
Ye heng de. Wild
one.
(Boris?)
Sha gua! Shut
up.
President Kim Jong Un, North Korea.
“No way am I
going to waste one of my precious bombs on them!”
Michel Barnier, Brussels (2)
“Ah non! Not
again!”
Thursday 24 January 2019
I give below some numbers our leaders don't want us to hear::
THE
NUMBERS
THAT
OUR LEADERS
DON'T
WANT US TO HEAR
Over
128,000 children will wake up homeless today
There
are 24,000 adults sleeping rough
1
in 6 British pensioners live in poverty
23,640
homeless families were relocated in 3 months in 2018
1
in 5 children live in 'food-insecure' homes
There
are 1.5 million destitute people in the UK
650
homeless people died last year
650
M.P.s spent the year waffling about Brexit
The
House of Commons has 14 subsidised bars and 9 subsidised restaurants
Unpaid
bills at the above worth £18,000 were written off at tax-payer
expense
Wednesday 23 January 2019
When Brexit Wrecks it, we needn't worry.
Our Leaders have re-assured us:
"We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better."
"We will remain a world-leader."
"We shall lead the world in free trade."
"At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain - not just for our support but for our leadership."
"We can again become the envy of the world."
"Countries will look to us to provide the moral leadership and global leadership."
And for each of us individually:
"When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty, but to you.
When it comes to taxes, we;ll prioritise not the wealthy, but you.
When it comes to opportunity, we won't entrench the advantages of the fortunate few."
- quoted from The Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime Minister.
She also said in 2016:
"Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU."
"We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better."
"We will remain a world-leader."
"We shall lead the world in free trade."
"At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain - not just for our support but for our leadership."
"We can again become the envy of the world."
"Countries will look to us to provide the moral leadership and global leadership."
And for each of us individually:
"When we take the big calls, we'll think not of the powerful, but you.
When we pass new laws, we'll listen not to the mighty, but to you.
When it comes to taxes, we;ll prioritise not the wealthy, but you.
When it comes to opportunity, we won't entrench the advantages of the fortunate few."
- quoted from The Right Honourable Theresa May, Prime Minister.
She also said in 2016:
"Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU."
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