From my diary...
Recently, Boris has started having me
in to his office for a weekly meeting.
His agenda is always the same. What's
on the horizon that could bring in big money, and what's the
situation concerning any current negotiations. In particular, can
payment be speeded up. As Foreign Minister he needs money to impress
wily foreigners, he tells me...
He's doing knee-bends when I walk in.
“Sit,” he gasps. “What's new?”
I go through a few items and then get
to today's big one, selling off the Bard.
He stops his exercises and collapses
into his office chair, mopping his brow.
“Most..um..interesting,” he
splutters. We wait until he has regained his breath.
“Yes, most interesting.”
“Well, for me, the big question is
who do I approach with the idea. Presumably it would be a rather
sensitive issue in some quarters.”
“Yes.” He massages his head. Then
he rubs his knee.
“I know! Iran!” he exclaims. “Yes,
Iran!”
“Iran? Does the Supreme Leader like
Shakespeare?”
“Oh no. She's not cultural at all.
She won't mind if you sell Shakespeare.”
“Er...I meant Iran's Supreme Leader.”
“Hah! Oh dear! Lapsus lingua, what?
Anyway, Jason, it may surprise you to know that the Iranians are
extremely keen on Shakespeare. They had an international Conference
about him last year, and are continuously giving productions, in
English and Farsee. I know this because I met their Cultural
Ambassador at a dinner last month. Very cultivated johnnie. I'll
call him on Monday and see if he's interested.”
The 'cultivated johnnie' is coming to
see me this morning. He told Boris he's quite happy to come to my
office as he likes to stroll along the Mall. When he is shown in, I
am somewhat surprised. Not wearing robes, no beard, no sandals, no
studious glasses. Instead a silk Molteboini suit, swept back grey
hair, slight tan, impeccable. Brilliant white teeth, too. And
Hollywood looks. His name is Gatros Aresten. One of the girls brings
in coffee and leaves the room backing towards the door, gawping at my
visitor. After a general chat, I ask him my key question.
“Does Ayatollah Khameini appreciate
Shakespeare, Mr. Aresten?”
“Indeed, he does. The Ayatollah, whom
Allah preserve, has the highest admiration for the Bard. I know he
will be interested in acquiring the rights to this genius.”
“Well, that's wonderful,” I say.
“We have a long tradition of showing
Shakespeare. All of his plays have been produced in Iran. There is
even a movie of a production of 'The Merchant of Venice' from 1928.
Quite amusing. In those days women were not permitted to appear on
stage so the female characters were played by young men wearing large
wigs. Along with 'Hamlet' and 'The Tempest', 'The Merchant of
Venice' is a favourite in my country.”
“Forgive my ignorance. I had no
idea.”
“The Ayatollah said that he considers
Shakespeare to be a fine moral dramatist. With a high regard for
values. Western values of course.”
“Ah. I have to say that we would not
wish Shakespeare's works to be modified by a purchaser to suit
particular political needs. The texts must remain unadulterated.”
“Dear me, Doctor Bryggs. We are not
savages, you know. We had a civilisation long before your merchants
started colonising. And we have a fine literature of our own. Which
reminds me, we would not be interested in buying the sonnets. We have
our own poetry of a particularly high standard and dating from many
centuries before Shakespeare left his home town for London. What
would be the price you are seeking for the plays?”
I tell him. He raises an eye-brow. It's
a big number - which I calculated by taking the net earnings of the
latest blockbuster Shakespeare movie, multiplying it by 37 (the
number of plays) and then by 50 (the number of years I reckon the
Bard will last.)
“I think I know how you arrived at
that figure,” he says smiling. “But please reduce it by one
thirty-seventh as we are not interested in the play 'Pericles, Prince
of Tyre.' It is a confused piece of drama and has long been
considered unworthy of production by your own critics.”
O.K. Hopefully, he isn't aware that
'Two Noble Kinsmen' was half written by another guy called Fletcher.
“Then there is the play 'Two Noble
Kinsmen.' As this was half-written by John Fletcher, we would not be
interested in purchasing it. So another one thirty-seventh may be
deducted.”
“Of course.”
“We also would like to see included
in the price, the original plans for the construction of the Globe
theatre.”
“Do they still exist?”
“I don't mean the original of 1599, I
mean the Sam Wanamaker Globe of 1997.”
“Ah. No problem.”
“Excellent. I will report back to my
Ayatollah, whom Allah preserve, and have the legal documents drawn
up.”
I'm glad I don't work in Legal.
They'll have to be extra careful with this guy.
“As a matter of interest, what is the
name of the young lady who brought in the coffee?”