Pageviews from the past week

Saturday, 19 December 2020

Brexit Got Done....

 ...and celebrated.

In a luxurious banqueting hall in Westminster, quite close to Number Ten, standing around drinking champagne are Mugg, Gov, Handcod, Richi, on whom the many other Ministers of the British Cabinet who are also present, fawn. Suddenly the double doors open to reveal Floppo, their Leader. The Ministers cheer and clap him. He massages his head and grins. Mugg hands him an overflowing glass of champagne.

Floppo:     Ha! My glass floweth over, what. We got Brexit done!

The others laugh and giggle and slap each other on the back, and start to sing ‘For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow’, ‘Rule Britannia’, and ‘Floreat Etonia!'

Floppo:     Most kind. Most kind. But it’s not just my leadership which makes our country great. We’re world-leading in everything, aren’t we? World-beaters. The envy of the world. Even more so now we’ve left those upstarts in the EU!

The others cheer, slurp their champagne and elbow each other trying to get closer to their leader.

Mugg:      I say. Did you see what those ghastly people at UNICEF are doing? Sending food to working-class kids over here! Damned nerve!

Gov:        Ridiculous. If there are any starving kids in England, it’s a pity their parents don’t work harder. Have another glass. It’s gratifying that the taxpayers are happy to pay our expenses. In a party poll, 98% of taxpayers said they would vote for us again. Jolly good, eh?

Mugg:    Send 'em back down the mines, I say.  Do they think we're made of money?

Floppo:  On that subject, Richi, how much money do we have in the bank?

Richi:     Well, um, nothing actually.

Floppo:   Nothing?

Richi:     No, nothing at all.

Floppo: Well, what the devil are you going to do about it? We can borrow some more surely?

Richi:    Absolutely. I’ve been in touch with the Sino-Arabian Global Investment Bank concerning their core offering, the multiple derived layered confidence bond.

Mugg:    I know them. I do hedge funding with them. Utterly reliable. Been in business since 2018.

Handcod: And they’ve funded many last-minute NHS contracts.

Floppo: What interest rate do they expect? 

Richi:    None!

All: None?! None?!

Richi:    None. The only stipulation is that at the end of each appointed term, we give them one seat in the House of Lords.

Floppo: No problem. We’ll give them Labour seats. Is that all?

Richi:    Well, not quite. They ask for Chinese chefs to be appointed in the Commons dining room.

Floppo: No problem.

Richi:    And no alcohol to be served.

All: What?! Are they mad?

Floppo: Sorry, not possible. Absolutely impossible.

Richi:  Their Vice-President Important Customer Relations said he thought that might be a problem, so they’ve calculated what he calls a low level of financial repayment instead.

Floppo takes him by the arm and leads him away to a remote corner of the room where they talk quietly. They return smiling.

Floppo: I shall agree to their terms. (Sigh of relief from all.)  I want a press release about the new arrangements something like:

The government is again showing its world-leading concern for visions and values and is proud to associate with a bank of such integrity, in the sole interest of the British people in these difficult global times.’

The Minister for Posture and Prating leaves the room at the trot.

Floppo: Now. A different subject. There is some trepidation about the after effects of Brexit. At least, for the first few weeks.  Shortages and stuff like that. Knowing our working-class, there may even be riots. So I’ve appointed Lord Rumble of Belch to draw up a detailed plan for combatting such riots.

Mugg:  A good chap. Reliable.

Floppo: Yes, I think he’s a good choice. Loves his food. When we were at Eton together he was known as ‘The Scoffer.’ He’ll shortly issue a press release saying that Her Majesty’s Armed Forces will be standing ready to combat any violence. And that everything is being done to ensure that food reaches every family’s table. I’ve appointed Brigadier Victor Thump to oversee military operations. He assured me that he will not tolerate any violence on our streets. Over to you, Gov.

Gov:    Max Hoard will be appointed Minister for Stock-piling and Ration Books, later today. He will issue a statement saying, ‘Not one person in Britain will go hungry for longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people – man, woman and child – shall not be without food so long as they have their ration books.

Floppo:   Handcod. Where are you at?

Handcod: As you requested, I’ve appointed Yasmine Aspirinoval as Assistant Minister for Stock-piling Medecines. And she has talked to Brigadier Thump about troops for hospital wards. In case patients start fighting over prescriptions, or delayed operations or bed linen laundry.

Floppo: Excellent. Well, I think we all deserve another half-dozen bottles.

There is a loud banging on the double doors.

Floppo:   Who the devil’s that? See who it is, someone.

One of the Ministers opens the doors to reveal an old man in scruffy clothing.

Old Man: Is this the House of Come-ons?

.Floppo:  What did he say? Bring him here.

The old man shuffles forward.

Floppo:  Now, my man, what are you doing here?

Old Man: I’m looking for the House of Come-ons.

Floppo:   H’m. I think you’ve got the place-name wrong.

Old Man: Well, anyway, lad. I’m ‘ere to see a Mr. Melrose.  Sam Melrose. Asked to see me, ‘e did.

Astonishment all round. Whispers of  “Samuel Melrose is our chief donor, billionaire, gives millions to the party...”

Floppo:   Quiet! Well, he isn’t here. I’ll send someone to find him.

Old Man: Fanks, lad. I’ve come a long way. From up north.

Gasps all round.

Gov:     He’s from the Red Wall area! One of Labour’s voters that turned to us!

Mugg:   Have a glass of champers, old gentleman!

Gov:     You are most welcome, my dear chap!

Handcod: A long journey! Care for some aspirin? It's good for aching feet.

Floppo:    Now we've got Brexit done, we shall concentrate on levelling-up.

Old Man:  Good! It's about time those bloody pot-holes were filled in. 

Floppo:     H'm. May we know why you are meeting Mr. Melrose?

Old man:   No problem, lad. The news will soon be out in the ‘Mirror’. (Shudders all round.) Says he’s fed up giving ‘is millions to the Tory party. And will give ‘em all to Labour from now on.

Cries of:   No! No! He can’t. It’s madness! What will we do?

Floppo:     Quiet! Please! And just why is Mr. Melrose doing that?

Old Man:  Simple, really. Got involved in a lot of law-suits while ‘e was making ‘is millions, ‘e said. Developed a big admiration for classy lawyers. Seein’ as ‘ow that Starmer is a classy lawyer, Sam wants to support ‘im all the way to the next election. That’s it, lad.

Enter Mr. Melrose.

Melrose: Ah, there you are, Frank. Let’s go somewhere else. I don’t like the company here. And I don't like continuous U-turns.

He stares icily at Floppo, looks at the others with a sneer on his face, puts his arm round the Old Man’s shoulder, and they leave.

The Ministers are groaning in despair, filling their glasses sloppily, looking accusingly at Floppo and finally inching towards for the double doors leaving him standing alone, massaging his head.

Floppo:   Sic trasnsit gloria melrosus...

 Enter the Minister for Europe.

 Minister:  Brussels has sent an addendum to the 1267 pages of the agreement. We must go into Lockdown Tier Six  And either we accept - or no deal!'

Floppo:     Ah ha!

 

                                                             THE END.









Sunday, 13 December 2020

A total change from Brexit

 Many in Westminster are reading the new international thriller:

                                                      'The Contract Assassin'.

Financial leaders, dictators and ammunitions manufacturers are being assassinated around the world, but there is no apparent connection between the killings. Though the assassin leaves the authorities scrambling, the reader sees the murders as they happen. Are these killings revenge? Is there a vigilante who wants retribution? The assassinations take place in London, New York, Princeton, Paris, Toulouse, Venice, the Lebanon, Syria, Acapulco, the Gaza Strip, Nicaragua, Istanbul and even on a transatlantic flight...... Who is this assassin? What are his motives? And how is he able to avoid detection?

"A fast-paced international thriller, unusual - and a cracking read."

"A brilliant fictional piece but so much in tune with certain current events that it's right on the mark.”

Thursday, 3 December 2020

The P.M. and AI. RE-SET TWO?

 This future media release came up on my screen, this morning.

Algorithms make for better Government.


Recent studies have shown that the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in making decisions on governmental issues provides better answers than the personal wishes of an egotistical leader or the discussions of a 24 person Cabinet.

Professor Incho Blink of the London School of Algorithmics said at a press conference today, “Our in-depth research has shown that AI can be of considerable benefit to both government and citizens. And most probably it would be more cost-effective in the long run. We have presented these results to the Prime Minister and to the Minister for Culture, Sport and Digital Affairs, from whom we expect to hear shortly.”

                                                             ------- 

Examples of the studies have been published and are given below. 

They show the question put to the AI software, its answer, and its rationale for the answer.

1. What is the action that should be taken in the case of an international pandemic?

Answer: Immediate Lockdown

Rationale: Inhibit spread of germ through social contact. 1 person infects on average 10, 10 - 100, 100 - 1000 and so on, quickly reaching millions of infected cases.


2. Will costs go up after Brexit?

Answer: Yes.

Rationale: Brexit means leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, whence 62% of UK fresh food emanates and 78% of medical supplies. Customs duties etc will result in increase in living expenses of £200 per person per month.


3. Should tax-payer funds be spent on aircraft carriers and submarines?

Answer: No.

Rationale: Both can be destroyed easily by drones using untrackable software.     

 

4. Should taxpayer funds be spent on drones?

Answer: Yes.

Rationale: To protect British fisheries.


5. Should taxpayer funds be given as aid to foreign countries?

Answer: No.

Rationale: Charity for homeless and hungry begins at home.


6. Which people working for Britain should benefit from pay increases and which not?

Answer: NHS workers – Yes.

                 MPs. - No.

Rationale: Calculation based on usefulness to society.

 

7. Have Eton’s 26 Prime Ministers been good for Britain?

Answer: No.

Rationale: The last two are overseeing the demise of Britain’s economy and its

                     standing in the world.

                                             ***************



Monday, 23 November 2020

RE-SET. The PM and the Louvre.

At our latest meeting, the PM emphasised again how a great deal of money is needed to pay the bills due to Covid,

I suppose you know, Bryggs, that our National Debt is now over £2 trillion,” he said as I sat down.

 Yes, Prime Minister. Not good. The media is saying that another trillion has been spent fighting Covid so far this year.”

 Yes, Yes. Quite. So we need some hefty sales figures from you.”

Perhaps I should remind the reader that I am the guy whose job it is to sell off as much of the UK as I can, to pay off the country’s debts. Some of which debts I’m sure are hidden from the public.

The PM is massaging his head and suddenly stops. Also he has developed the beginning of a parting. My guess is that his image consultant suggested he should look more sophisticated when he hosts the upcoming International Climate Control Congress. Hence the beginning of a move away from the floppy look.  Anyway, I need to bring him up to date on the latest potential sale. A biggie.

 I had a call from Maxence Laurent-Bartelot this morning,” I say. 

Who?"

He’s the Director of the Louvre. He wants to buy the National Gallery.” 

Great Scott! Why on earth would he want to do that?”

Well, Prime Minister, they started an expansion programme a little while ago and now they have a Louvre in Abu Dhabi. My guess is they want to expand more internationally. But the big success in this expansion was the Louvre Lens. A huge new gallery in Lens, in northern France. 50 acre site, 300,000 square feet interior, and one million visitors in the first year.”

H’m. Why did they choose Lens particularly? Where is it exactly”

They chose Lens because they wanted to bring culture to the North and not have it centred on Paris. Lens was a huge coal-mining area back in the day. When I visited it last year, it was a depressing place, men standing around, no work, very sad.  I guess the French government saw the Louvre expansion as a sort of levelling-up exercise.”

What did you say? Levelling up? Culturally? What a brilliant idea!”

In his apparent excitement he messes up his new parting.

What art galleries do we have up North? Any?”

There are big galleries in Manchester and Liverpool. Not much north of those.”

Ha! Excellent! Now. This is what I want you to do. Go back to your Maxence johnnie and tell him no thanks. But tell him we could sell him a big building for his Louvre. And then go and see whatsisname, the Minister for Buildings, and tell him to find something choice for the French.”

As I leave, I hear him talking on the phone to the Minister for the Northern Powerhouse. (Believe me, there is one...)



Saturday, 14 November 2020

P.M. to assume title of President?

 I was sent this by No. 10's newly appointed PR writer ( not me) and was quite surprised.

Prime Minister Assumes Role of President of UK.

Cabinet Disbanded. 

At a dramatic press conference today, the new President of the UK had this to say about his new role:

After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.

A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.

At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.

I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Biden, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng, amongst others.

In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past.

I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Christopher Failing and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography. After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.

I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through this stronger, now that I am your President.

I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish border.”

Sunday, 8 November 2020

The PM and Joe Biden. Revelations!

As most of his government are off in Recess, as they call it – it’s their version of half-term – and his fiancee has gone to see her mother, the PM called me in to have coffee with him. A rare pleasure.

You’ve lived in the States, Bryggs,” he said. “What do people think of Biden? He must have some good qualities, beating my friend, er.., my opposite number, and becoming President.”

He’s served the democratic party well for decades. Reliable. Serious. But now a bit old-looking. 78. And it showed when he tried to look agile and young by trotting up to the rostrum whenever he gave a speech. Some say he won because voters just felt they couldn’t stand any more of Trump. And that they would have even voted for Nigel Farage if he had been American,”

Good God!”

But I think both stories are stupid. And Biden is certainly not.”

Oh?”

Obviously, having been chosen by the Democrat Party to run for President, he’s very well considered by his peers. Actually, he’s their big policy expert on foreign affairs.”

H’m.”

Wants to expand NATO.”

H’m.”

Favours strategic arms limitations”

H’m.”

His background is that he comes from a working class family.”

H’m.”

Got a law degree. Wife has always worked and still does, as a teacher.”

Another lawyer, eh?”

Not for very long. Went into politics and became one of the youngest senators ever in US history.”

H’m.”

And, of course, is a great fan of the EU.”

Yes. Well. Thank you, Bryggs. I suppose I’d better congratulate him.”

So I finished my coffee and left.



 

Thursday, 5 November 2020

The PM asks for more PR.

 

The PM was so impressed with the PR that I wrote for him (see previous post) that he asked me to do some more for his next televised speech. This is what I’m going to send him tomorrow:


With your help, people of our great nation, we can again become the envy of the world, the great global country we know we can be. We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better, so that at times of crisis the world looks to Britain. Countries look to us to provide moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. And, because that is our duty, we shall remain world-leading in the future and build a compelling vision of Britain outside the EU. Free of the EU, we shall champion free and open trade. And our prosperity will grow and grow! Britain is now open for business more than ever!

And, with your help, all four nations of our great United Kingdom will be healthier and happier communities - for this generation and the next.”

(I won’t tell him that every word above is taken from recent speeches by his ministers.)


Sunday, 25 October 2020

The PM wants his PR to Improve..


I was surprised yesterday when the PM called me into his office, something he rarely does these days as he is so pre-occupied with getting Covid done. He was looking tired, pale and overweight. This is how the conversation went:

PM: I’ve called you in to discuss two things. (Massaging his head.)

JB: Yes, Prime Minister.

PM: This blasted Covid is costing the Treasury a fortune. Ergo, we need cash. Fast. What are you working on at the moment that will bring in several million?

JB: I think I’ve got a customer for all the European Embassy buildings in London, and -

PM: Excellent! Excellent! And?

JB: And Cambridge University.

PM: Good God! Who wants it?

JB: A Chinese firm, big in education.

PM: Good! Very good! Send the details to the Chancellor. Now. The second thing I want to talk to you about is something that is not really your field of expertise, but I judge you could do it.

JB: Er..

PM: Don’t interrupt. And this conversation is strictly between you and me only. Do you understand?

JB: Certainly, Prime Minister.

PM: I’m fed up with always getting so much negative publicity. Even in the Tory papers. What the hell do they think they’re there for? So I’ve decided to try a new approach. I think a new approach is needed, don’t you?

JB: It’s certainly the case that there’s a lot of negative comment about...

PM: Quite. So I need some PR that is up-beat, optimistic, encouraging, convincing. Business-like and buzz-wordy in tone. Something to get the voters thinking all is well. And I think you’re the man for the job. To write it.

JB: Me?!

PM: Yes. You. If you’re capable of negotiating with all those foreign johnnies, then I judge you must be capable of writing pushy stuff. So. By next Friday, I’ll expect a first rate PR release from you. On how we’re getting our great nation back on track, and stiffing the EU. Next Friday.

JB: Yes, Prime Minister.

So this is my draft of a new-style speech for the Prime Minister:

Good Morning.

I want to speak to you today about a paradigm shift your government is pursuing to shape our great nation’s future.

Britain is a world-leader in many things. To name a few, munitions production, data protection, pandemic control, child-care and so on.

But that’s not enough! What I want to do is to engage the human capital of our great nation – that’s you, the voters – in bringing fresh ideas to the table. So we are reaching out to every one of you, to ask that you drill down and come up with outcome-focussed models for our future. I, and my Cabinet, will welcome your views on how we can shape our future now that we are free of the EU’s constraints And can go out into the world a super-competent and independent, free-trading and freedom-embracing country.

We will no longer be squeezed or sand-bagged into acquiescing to anyone else’s agenda. We have reclaimed our sovereignty and a brighter future awaits us as we forge our own path.

That’s why we need your views! Of course, my Cabinet, your representatives, might not be able to accept everything some of the voters want but, together, we can organise ourselves, with your invaluable help, to deliver, flexibly of course, the best objectives for our beloved country.

Watch out for the e-mail coming to you from Number 10! Thank you all.





Monday, 12 October 2020

A note on the P.M's ancestral background is circulating in Westminster...

"Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson was born in 1964 in New York. His great-grandfather was Ali Kemal, a Foreign Minister in the Ottoman Empire in 1919 who was assassinated in 1922.  The P.M's grandfather emigrated to England and adopted the name"Wilfried Johnson".

Another family line in the P.M's pedigree includes Adelheid Pauline Karoline von Rottenburg, (the illegitimate daughter of Prince Paul of Wurttemberg,) and Karl Maximilian Freiherr de Pfeffel."

Ministers are intrigued, MPs are curious and the cleaning staff are now reading every piece of discarded paper in waste-paper baskets.

Wednesday, 7 October 2020

Brexit and Broken Britain Sliding Over the Cliff....

 The PM won't like this summary which appeared in the media today.


BREXIT BRITAIN TODAY

SLIDING OVER THE CLIFF 

The National Debt has now passed £2 trillion

low taxes paid by the elite and the multinational companies

underfunded social care causing 30,000 deaths

spending on healthcare lowest % of GDP of rich nations

underfunded NHS causing how many deaths

MPs and Lords cost £2350million per annum in pay and expenses

£billions given to privatised rail and bus companies still

North/South divide

27th. in the world for education quality

most expensive university education

abnormally high house prices

unrepaired roads everywhere

lowest % of GDP spent on infrastructure

lowest % of GDP spent on power grid

highest energy costs in Europe

highest rail costs in Europe

London is money laundering centre of the world (£100bn plus) 

*****



















Saturday, 26 September 2020

More Brexit Blues....

 My friend John Problem sent me the following somewhat disturbing flyer... 

                                                                         BREXIT

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE BREXIT?

'ARMAGEDDON' SAYS DOVER PORT AUTHORITY

'CATASTROPHIC' SAYS NATIONAL FARMERS UNION

'A BLACK HOLE, A SHOCK, PAINFUL, HOUSHOLDS IN GREATER DEBT'

THIRD COUNTRY STATUS' PREDICT OTHER ORGANISATIONS

AND

'THE BIGGEST UNKNOWN' SAYS GOVERNMENT BRIEFING PAPER!

AND THE GOVERNMENT ALSO SAYS:

'WE ARE FULFILLING THE WISHES OF THE BRITISH PEOPLE'

BUT - DID THE BRITISH PEOPLE VOTE FOR:

EVERYTHING MORE EXPENSIVE

INCLUDING FOOD, CARS, FUELS,

SHORTAGES, REDUNDANCIES,

FACTORIES CLOSING

SOLDIERS ON THE STREETS....

SAYING GOOD BYE TO £487 BILLION OF TRADE WITH THE EU

AND THEN COSYING UP TO 162 WTO COUNTRIES WHO KNOW

WE NEED THEM MORE THAN THEY NEED US.

NOT TO MENTION LESS MONEY FOR THE POLICE AND THE NHS – BECAUSE:

BRITAIN IS ALREADY BROKE.

NATIONAL DEBT £2.1 TRILLION,

BANK BALANCE £114 BILLION IN THE RED.

WERE WE TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR FUTURE?

NO?

IS THAT DEMOCRATIC?

NO?

CAN WE NOT TRUST OUR LEADERS?


Thursday, 17 September 2020

When Brexit Wrecksit - this is how the UK will look ...

I was given, by a cleaner lady, the document below from a senior Minister's waste paper basket.....

When Brexit has Wrecked it - this is what Britain will be like:

More expensive – the £ will dive even further – imported goods will cost more

Exports to EU will drop – EU customs duty will make them more expensive - with resultant unemployment here

Half of cars made in Britain go to the EU

Large amounts of paperwork needed by Britain's 250k small businesses to continue exporting to EU

Business says there will be mass redundancies

More expensive NHS – half of our medicines come from Europe; some are not made here – viz, insulin.

Hopefully EU citizens will be allowed to work in UK – otherwise NHS will flounder with 10,000 less staff

Lorry queues across the south of England – food going bad? Already 1.6 million truck crossings per the tunnel per annum.

PM has promised troops will fight food riots...

Long delays at airports – while we re-negotiate international airspace agreements.

Our Civil Service will spend £millions trying to build new trade agreements with 160 WTO countries, who know we need them more than they need us.

And to re-negotiate the 36 trade deals the EU has with others

Wage growth in UK is static – and cannot be expected to improve, when trade falls and import costs increase

Current UK financial situation –

National Debt £2.3 trillion owed

bank balance £114 billion in the red.


Current trade with the world in £ billions:

EU £ 487 billion

USA 140

China 50

Aus/NZ/Can 26

Bra/Rus/Ind 43


Nobody is beating a path to our door.....and they know we need them more than they need us. And that the UK does not uphold international treaties...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Tuesday, 8 September 2020

Our National Debt - second biggest in the world....

 

.and today I couldn't help over-hearing a private conversation between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

PM: I've always been clear that I want to maintain our great nation's finances in superb condition...so that those Europeans cannot gloat when we leave them, without their stupid deal. Now, give me a brief summary of the current situation

CE: Er...

PM: Get on with it, man!

CE: Certainly, Prime Minister. Our National Debt is at this moment £2.13 trillion.

PM: What!

CE: Second only in size to that of the U.S.

PM: Great Heavens! When did that happen?

CE: Over many years. Every government we've had has just borrowed more and more.

PM: Can't we pay it down somehow?

CE: Unfortunately no. Our current bank balance is actually £114 billion in the red.

PM: What! Are you sure? Have you done your sums right?

CE: Yes, Prime Minister. I have.

PM: Well. They won't increase any further as long as I'm Prime Minister.

CE: Um. They already have.

PM: What?

CE: We've spent a great deal of money fighting Covid. In fact, so far, we've spent £220 billion.

PM: What? Ridiculous!

CE: And we've announced we'll be spending another £100 billion at least.

PM: What!

CE: It might not reach £400 billion in total, but it would be safe to assume so,

PM: £400 billion? How on earth...

CE: We discussed it briefly over breakfast – once in May and again in June. I gave you summaries of the situation as you were in a hurry to see your fiancee.

PM: H'm. Well! Something must be done! You should know what to do. You're the Chancellor!

CE: It's very difficult, Prime Minister. We can't put up income tax or VAT.

PM: Why on earth not?

CE: We said we would never do that. In our election manifesto.

PM: Oh, fiddle. We'll just forget that. We'll put the taxes up at the same time as we announce we'll be giving more money to the NHS.

CE: But we haven't got any money left to give to the NHS.

PM: Don't be naïve. It will be a great story for our media, but with undefined dates.

CE: Oh, I see. But there is another problem....

PM: Really? Then make it snappy, or I'll be late for my next photo-op. A really good one. Eating a waffle outside Number Ten.

CE: A waffle! Isn't there a rather dangerous connotation?

PM: It will show that I'm a man of the people. And after that I'm off on a short holiday to Northern Ireland. We'll probably take the bike.

CE: Um, the next problem, Prime Minister, is very serious. We are soon going to be unable to pay our debts to the banks and foreign governments that we use now. However, I have contacted the bank your donor recommended. The Sino-Arabian Bank. They seem quite ready to give us a mortgage.

PM: Excellent! Do it! But 'timeo Chinkies ut dona ferentes,' eh!

CE: I'm sorry. What was that?





Wednesday, 26 August 2020

Covid and The Air We Breathe. Government Minister interviewed on new tax.



TAXING THE AIR WE BREATHE after COVID

Transcript of an interview with the Environmental Minister on DeepHead TV's current affairs programme.

Interviewer: Could you please tell the viewers more about the government's proposal to tax air and replenish the national coffers, once the Covid virus is conquered?

Minister: Of course. This is a most exciting initiative. And Britain will once again be leading the world. As you know, the country's financial situation is extremely difficult, due mainly to the virus and the current turmoil in the European Union. As the government, we take our responsibility very seriously to reduce the country's debt and, as the Prime Minister says, to lead Britain forward again. We know, from our soundings up and down the country, that the people of Britain will welcome any initiative that helps to improve the country's economic situation. So we know that this carefully thought-out proposal to tax air will be gladly received.

Interviewer: How will it actually work?

Minister: People will pay a tax on the air they breathe, of course. Now, most importantly, we want this to be a fair tax – so there will be different levels of taxation.

Interviewer: Different levels of taxation?

Minister: Of course. You can't expect everybody to pay the same tax. There are different rates of use. There are different qualities of air. So we have taken these facts into consideration and our proposal contains the very best of British fairness. For example, old folk, over the age of 75, will pay less than others because they consume less. Young people between the age of 14 and 30 will pay more because they consume more air. People who live in the countryside and at the seaside will pay a small premium because their air is purer than elsewhere.

Interviewer: And what about London?

Minister: You are right to ask. It's most important that we get that right. Our proposal is to make no charge for it within the City, the boroughs of Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster, and immediately contiguous postal codes.

Interviewer: You're going to refine the air in central London and make no charge for it?

Minister: Most certainly. We don't want in any way to displease the many resident billionaires in London who make such a huge contribution to Britain's economy and the Tory Party.

Interviewer: Let me see if I've understood that. You propose to tax the British people for the use of air – but not to tax the wealthy in London.

Minister: Quite so.

Interviewer: But that's outrageous and totally unfair!

Minister: Oh God! Another pleb! Where's my limo?

 

Thursday, 20 August 2020

I'm getting cynical - I hope it doesn't interfere with my pay packet...

Ministers are expected to abide by the Ministerial Code. This was signed up for by my boss in August 2019.   Public Officials - including government - are expected to abide by the Nolan Principles.  The Noland Principles are:  Selflessness, Integrity, Objectivity, Accountability, Openness, Honesty and Leadership.  These have now been turned into: Greed, Duplicity, Guile, Unaccountability, Slyness, Dishonesty and Conceit....?

Tuesday, 23 June 2020

My main job.

In case you didn’t know, I'm the government's Number One Salesman. Jason Bryggs. Appointed to sell whatever I can that's British, so the government can pay off the galactic National Debt with the proceeds. There wasn't much left to sell of the good old UK when I started, but thanks to my native creativity and true British grit, I've managed to sell the Isle of Wight, the SAS, Cambridge University, 800 churches, Philip Larkin, both Tates, Hackney Wick, and a few other assets which I'm not allowed to divulge under the new Freedom of Information Act.

As a result of my unstinting efforts I have a tidy little bonus. So I'm off as soon as this Covid stuff is over. South of France, and the PM can take his economic problem and spin it. I've run out of enthusiasm for being the Numero Uno salesman. There's nothing left to sell. Well, almost nothing.
In any event, I firmly believe the good old UK is about to be repossessed. What nobody knows is that, following the Covid mess, the PM has had to take out a mortgage on Great Britain with the Sino-Arabian Bank and the terms are not what you would call customer-friendly. In my humble, repossession is in the offing. So, it's almost time to shove off.

But until then I’ll keep on posting on this site what goes on behind Westminster’s virtual walls.

Monday, 22 June 2020

I've developed the following guide after much study...

HOW TO READ A MINISTER– A Guide for the concerned citizen.
With the obvious distrust amongst the public of everything said by Ministers,
here is a guide to what a Minister means when making a statement:
If he's acting jocular He's about to lie
If he adopts a serious expression He's about to lie
If he leans forward and looks sincere He's about to lie
If he uses the phrase 'my friends' He's lying
If he talks about 'healing Britain' He'll make it worse
If he says he's for the working class He's certainly not
If he says 'we're leading the world' We aren't
If he says 'The government has always been clear on (whatever)' It never was
And so on....

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Oxbridge Unis will Stay in EU

A news flash that has not yet been noticed....


OXBRIDGE UNIS WILL STAY IN THE EU.
 The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.

A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.

We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)

This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.

We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”

The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"

The Prime Minister's office declined to comment.

Thursday, 11 June 2020

When Brexit Has Wrecked It.....


I found the document below in a senior Minister's waste paper basket.....

When Brexit has Wrecked it - this is what Britain will be like:

More expensive – the £ will dive even further – imported goods will cost more
Exports to EU will drop – EU customs duty will make them more expensive - with resultant unemployment here
Half of cars made in Britain go to the EU
Large amounts of paperwork needed by Britain's 250k small businesses to continue exporting to EU
Business says there will be mass redundancies
More expensive NHS – half of our medicines come from Europe; some are not made here – viz, insulin. Hopefully EU citizens will be allowed to work in UK – otherwise NHS will flounder with 10,000 less staff
Lorry queues across the south of England – food going bad? Already 1.6 million truck crossings per the tunnel per annum.
Government has promised troops will fight food riots!
Long delays at airports – while we re-negotiate with international airspace agreements
Our inexperienced Civil Service will spend £millions trying to build new trade agreements with 160 WTO countries, who know we need them more than they need us.
And to re-negotiate the 36 trade deals the EU has with others
Wage growth in UK is static – and cannot be expected to improve when trade falls and import costs increase
Current UK financial situation – National Debt £2.3 trillion, bank balance £114 billion in the red. Brexit is not going to improve this

Current trade with the world in £ billions:
EU £ 487 billion
USA 140
China 50
Aus/NZ/Can 26
Bra/Rus/Ind 43

Nobody is beating a path to our door.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have to recognise that most of our problems are not caused by Brussels, but by chronic British short-termism and under-investment.” Boris Johnson 2013

Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU.” Theresa May, 2016

Saturday, 6 June 2020


I overheard the following as I walked down a corridor in Westminster this morning:

Apparently it was the Prime Minister leading his team in a rousing chorus of      'Rule Britannia'.   It went like this:

Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never shall be EU slaves!

Whilst we shall flourish great and free,
Our cities shall with commerce shine,
But nations not so blest as we
Will enter into long decline.

Blest Isle, with superb leaders crowned
That haughty tyrants cannot tame.
No foreign foot shall tread our ground
Where burns our freedom's cherished flame!

Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves,
Never, never, never EU slaves!

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

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Black, Gay, Eastern European, Scottish. How to cope.
Managing Allowances. Maximising Expenses. (Early sign-up recommended.)
Using the Recess (your holidays) for Profit.
Cultivating the Whips and Ratting on Colleagues.
Visions, Values, Change, having a pint at a local. talking about ‘hardworking British families.‘ Vital when the polls are bad.
M.A. Course for Potential Ministers. Pandering, sharpening the knife.
Planning for the future after electoral loss. The City, PR firms, board memberships.
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Shakespeare‘s ‘Julius Caesar‘,
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The right is reserved to deny responsibility for anything.

Monday, 13 April 2020

How the Government dealt with the Virus.


Whether this happened or not I don't know...

A Cabinet Minister sits at his desk with a PR man opposite.
An aide enters carrying a paper document.
“Excuse me, sir. Could you sign this document please.”
“Can’t you see I’m busy.”
“It’s the order for PPE equipment.”
“I said I’m busy!”
The aide leaves. The PR man heaves a sigh. The Minister grimaces.
“Now, where were we. Oh yes. The statement about our readiness to control the virus. Yes, that’s good. I like that bit.”
The aide enters with another document.
“Sorry to bother you again, sir. But could you please sign this document.”
“For Heaven’s sake, haven’t I told you I’m busy!”
“But it’s the order for the ventilators, sir.”
“Are you deaf? I’m busy. Go!”
The aide leaves. The Minister keeps reading.
“I do like that phrase ‘We’ll get it done’. That’ll appeal to the voters, I’m sure.”
The PR man smiles in a self-satisfied manner. The Minister gets up.
“Well, it’s getting near to my TV slot, so I’d better get smartened up.”
“Good luck sir. I hope you don’t get any difficult questions.”
“Thanks. Do I care?”

Saturday, 7 March 2020

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.
In a media interview today, Robert Emerald, city banker and Chairman of The Zone Foundation,
described the plans for an inclusion zone for the wealthy.
"We are arranging this inclusion zone because we wealthy people - the wealth generators of
this great nation - have had a number of issues recently. For example, the streets where we
live and work are littered by passers-by, there are too many small cars on the road and there is
a real danger that cheap restaurants will proliferate under the new easier planning laws. And
despite the fact that where we live and work there are always police on the streets, there are
criminals about.
We plan to build a Zone and have set up a charitable foundation to carry the work through.
The Zone will be a walled enclosure in which we wealthy will live in peace and comfort. As
most of us work or have dealings in the City, we have decided to make this area the core of
the Zone with an extension over to Chelsea, Knightsbridge and Kensington. There will also be
a Country Zone which will embrace either the whole of Surrey or the whole of Hampshire. Of
course this means that some relocations will be needed, but issues of that sort only require
money to fix them.
Access to the Zone by people who are not wealthy but are nonetheless necessary -
restaurateurs, cleaners and other staff - will be via allotted gates in the wall. IDs will be issued
to the appropriate people by our Zone Entry Agency upon proof of creditworthiness,
cleanliness and usefulness.
The Zone will be declared a tax-free area so that we wealthy do not have to waste our time
briefing lawyers and accountants on avoiding tax on our pay, bonuses, dividends, etc. We are,
however, prepared to pay tax on the services we use on a daily basis, that is, restaurants, the
purchase of champagne and fine wines, specialist gymnasia, Savile Row, night clubs, the
opera, and similar. In this way we shall continue to make our significant contribution to the
country's tax take.
In keeping with modern global trends, the Zone will be open to foreigners upon proof of
substantial wealth. We wish to maintain London's valuable reputation as the 'money-laundry
of choice.'
I do not intend to take questions. Further information will be issued in due course. Thank you.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today said that the wall being built around the
Inclusion Zone will be completed on schedule. In answer to questions from the Press, the spokesperson confirmed that there was a waiting list of dictators and high-level bankers wishing to relocate to the Zone.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The influx of deposed dictators from the Middle East was creating a heavy demand for
properties in Chelsea, but it had been agreed that priority must be given to bankers wishing to
spend their latest round of bonuses.
The Board of the Zone Foundation was gratified to demonstrate that, once again, England was
leading the world.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today confirmed that no restaurants with less than
three Michelin stars will be allowed inside the Zone. Only designer label shops of the first
quality will be allowed, whilst automobiles with less than 4.7 litre engines will be penalised.
Further, the Thames will be reserved for residents' yachts, and all roads will be resurfaced.
The House of Commons will be relocated to Skegness. The responsibilities of the City of
London Police will be extended to the whole of the Zone, with additional powers granted in
cases of attempted immigration. Tourists will not be allowed inside the Zone.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.

(Editor's note: 'The Zone' is a protected area which has been ring-fenced in London and parts of the South-East of England and made it an area restricted to the rich. For more information see below.)

A recent report revealed that London is a mere third in the world league table of resident
billionaires. After New York and Moscow.
A representative of 'The Zone' said the report was unexpected and disturbing. “However,”
said the representative, “we must draw a line under this and focus on the future. London is
clearly a more attractive venue than either New York with its mediocre cultural attractions or
Moscow with its high levels of crime and grime. And London, as the money-laundering
capital of the world, is obviously the more appropriate place for billionaires to live. Nowhere
in the entire world is it more expensive to live, or is property more expensive to buy, than in
London. These factors are clearly in our favour. A further recent report revealed that London
has the most millionaires in the world, and this good news is yet another reason for the world's
richest to come to our great metropolis.”



Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The Inaugural Lecture of the First Anniversary of the Zone Foundation will be delivered by the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. He will be presented with the Croesus Award for Services to Discrete Wealth Creation.
The Chairman of the Zone Foundation said it will be an honour to welcome such a distinguished
guest whose name will be forever revered by all involved in the financial services industry,
an industry which contributes so much to the wealth of that fortunate country where this
legendary figure serves as Prime Minister.
In reply to questions from the media, a spokesperson confirmed that, despite their wealth,
footballers will not be welcomed in the Zone.

                                                        ---------------

I suggested to the PM - supported by DC - that he bring in a special 'levelling up tax' on the incredibly rich but he wasn't interested.