Tuesday, 23 June 2020

My main job.

In case you didn’t know, I'm the government's Number One Salesman. Jason Bryggs. Appointed to sell whatever I can that's British, so the government can pay off the galactic National Debt with the proceeds. There wasn't much left to sell of the good old UK when I started, but thanks to my native creativity and true British grit, I've managed to sell the Isle of Wight, the SAS, Cambridge University, 800 churches, Philip Larkin, both Tates, Hackney Wick, and a few other assets which I'm not allowed to divulge under the new Freedom of Information Act.

As a result of my unstinting efforts I have a tidy little bonus. So I'm off as soon as this Covid stuff is over. South of France, and the PM can take his economic problem and spin it. I've run out of enthusiasm for being the Numero Uno salesman. There's nothing left to sell. Well, almost nothing.
In any event, I firmly believe the good old UK is about to be repossessed. What nobody knows is that, following the Covid mess, the PM has had to take out a mortgage on Great Britain with the Sino-Arabian Bank and the terms are not what you would call customer-friendly. In my humble, repossession is in the offing. So, it's almost time to shove off.

But until then I’ll keep on posting on this site what goes on behind Westminster’s virtual walls.

Monday, 22 June 2020

I've developed the following guide after much study...

HOW TO READ A MINISTER– A Guide for the concerned citizen.
With the obvious distrust amongst the public of everything said by Ministers,
here is a guide to what a Minister means when making a statement:
If he's acting jocular He's about to lie
If he adopts a serious expression He's about to lie
If he leans forward and looks sincere He's about to lie
If he uses the phrase 'my friends' He's lying
If he talks about 'healing Britain' He'll make it worse
If he says he's for the working class He's certainly not
If he says 'we're leading the world' We aren't
If he says 'The government has always been clear on (whatever)' It never was
And so on....

Sunday, 14 June 2020

Oxbridge Unis will Stay in EU

A news flash that has not yet been noticed....

 The Universities of Oxford and Cambridge announced yesterday that they will separate from the United Kingdom and remain in the European Union.

A spokesman said: The Council of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the United Kingdom and remain members of the European Union. We recognise this may cause problems for the UK but we see no alternative. Our past and future contributions to the United Kingdom, should we stay, will be hugely under-rated and wasted in a diminishing economy.

We provide three quarters of UK judges, half of the UK's diplomats, two thirds of her Permanent Secretaries, a quarter of all MPs, nearly half of the House of Lords, and even half of all journalists and BBC executives. (This data can be checked and will be found correct and not an exaggeration.)

This achievement will be wasted on a country much diminished in every sense, with a faltering economy, a huge national debt, food and medicine shortages, rioting in the streets, further rising crime, and a general failure of an incompetent government to cope with the problems of the people they claim to represent.

We do not wish to waste our achievements and our future achievements in such an environment. We have therefore decided to take our talents and offer them to a welcoming Europe, rather than remain in the UK.”

The President of Christ Church College today said:
"We entirely support this decision. Our College has produced over the years 14 Prime Ministers and 4 foreign Prime Ministers, 17 Archbishops, 6 Olympic Gold medallists and famous composers, musicians, poets and businessmen too numerous to mention. Why should we waste our future on a discredited island country?"

The Prime Minister's office declined to comment.

Thursday, 11 June 2020

When Brexit Has Wrecked It.....

I found the document below in a senior Minister's waste paper basket.....

When Brexit has Wrecked it - this is what Britain will be like:

More expensive – the £ will dive even further – imported goods will cost more
Exports to EU will drop – EU customs duty will make them more expensive - with resultant unemployment here
Half of cars made in Britain go to the EU
Large amounts of paperwork needed by Britain's 250k small businesses to continue exporting to EU
Business says there will be mass redundancies
More expensive NHS – half of our medicines come from Europe; some are not made here – viz, insulin. Hopefully EU citizens will be allowed to work in UK – otherwise NHS will flounder with 10,000 less staff
Lorry queues across the south of England – food going bad? Already 1.6 million truck crossings per the tunnel per annum.
Government has promised troops will fight food riots!
Long delays at airports – while we re-negotiate with international airspace agreements
Our inexperienced Civil Service will spend £millions trying to build new trade agreements with 160 WTO countries, who know we need them more than they need us.
And to re-negotiate the 36 trade deals the EU has with others
Wage growth in UK is static – and cannot be expected to improve when trade falls and import costs increase
Current UK financial situation – National Debt £2.3 trillion, bank balance £114 billion in the red. Brexit is not going to improve this

Current trade with the world in £ billions:
EU £ 487 billion
USA 140
China 50
Aus/NZ/Can 26
Bra/Rus/Ind 43

Nobody is beating a path to our door.....

We have to recognise that most of our problems are not caused by Brussels, but by chronic British short-termism and under-investment.” Boris Johnson 2013

Britain's prosperity will be more secure if we're in the EU.” Theresa May, 2016

Saturday, 6 June 2020

I overheard the following as I walked down a corridor in Westminster this morning:

Apparently it was the Prime Minister leading his team in a rousing chorus of      'Rule Britannia'.   It went like this:

Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves!
Britons never shall be EU slaves!

Whilst we shall flourish great and free,
Our cities shall with commerce shine,
But nations not so blest as we
Will enter into long decline.

Blest Isle, with superb leaders crowned
That haughty tyrants cannot tame.
No foreign foot shall tread our ground
Where burns our freedom's cherished flame!

Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves,
Never, never, never EU slaves!

Wednesday, 27 May 2020

Ad. The University of Political Formation

“Suppressi Veri. Suggesti Falsi”
A Place of Learning for Britain’s Future Leaders
A Selection of Curriculum Courses:
Beliefs. Do they help?
Debating. The grunt, the groan, the jeer.
Dealing with the Media. Evasion, Non-response, Counter Attack, Condescension.
Teeth, Hair, Clothes and Family. Each one needs careful adjustment.
Black, Gay, Eastern European, Scottish. How to cope.
Managing Allowances. Maximising Expenses. (Early sign-up recommended.)
Using the Recess (your holidays) for Profit.
Cultivating the Whips and Ratting on Colleagues.
Visions, Values, Change, having a pint at a local. talking about ‘hardworking British families.‘ Vital when the polls are bad.
M.A. Course for Potential Ministers. Pandering, sharpening the knife.
Planning for the future after electoral loss. The City, PR firms, board memberships.
Reading Selection. Macchiavelli,
Shakespeare‘s ‘Julius Caesar‘,
Frontinus’ 500 Ways to Outwit Your Opponent',
Creative Accounting for Beginners.

For more information go to upf.co.yuk
The right is reserved to deny responsibility for anything.

Tuesday, 12 May 2020

Interview - Taxing The Air We Breathe - after Covid.


Transcript of an interview with the Environmental Minister on DeepHead TV's current affairs programme.

Interviewer: Could you please tell the viewers more about the government's proposal to tax air and replenish the national coffers, once the Covid virus is conquered?

Minister: Of course. This is a most exciting initiative. And Britain will once again be leading the world. As you know, the country's financial situation is extremely difficult, due mainly to the virus and the current turmoil in the European Union. As the government, we take our responsibility very seriously to reduce the country's debt and, as the Prime Minister says, to lead Britain forward again. We know, from our soundings up and down the country, that the people of Britain will welcome any initiative that helps to improve the country's economic situation. So we know that this carefully thought-out proposal to tax air will be gladly received.

Interviewer: How will it actually work?

Minister: People will pay a tax on the air they breathe, of course. Now, most importantly, we want this to be a fair tax – so there will be different levels of taxation.

Interviewer: Different levels of taxation?

Minister: Of course. You can't expect everybody to pay the same tax. There are different rates of use. There are different qualities of air. So we have taken these facts into consideration and our proposal contains the very best of British fairness. For example, old folk, over the age of 75, will pay less than others because they consume less. Young people between the age of 14 and 30 will pay more because they consume more air. People who live in the countryside and at the seaside will pay a small premium because their air is purer than elsewhere.

Interviewer: And what about London?

Minister: You are right to ask. It's most important that we get that right. Our proposal is to make no charge for it within the City, the boroughs of Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster, and immediately contiguous postal codes.

Interviewer: You're going to refine the air in central London and make no charge for it?

Minister: Most certainly. We don't want in any way to displease the many resident billionaires in London who make such a huge contribution to Britain's economy and the Tory Party.

Interviewer: Let me see if I've understood that. You propose to tax the British people for the use of air – but not to tax the wealthy in London.

Minister: Quite so.

Interviewer: But that's outrageous and totally unfair!

Minister: Oh God! Another pleb! Where's my limo?

Monday, 13 April 2020

How the Government dealt with the Virus.

Whether this happened or not I don't know...

A Cabinet Minister sits at his desk with a PR man opposite.
An aide enters carrying a paper document.
“Excuse me, sir. Could you sign this document please.”
“Can’t you see I’m busy.”
“It’s the order for PPE equipment.”
“I said I’m busy!”
The aide leaves. The PR man heaves a sigh. The Minister grimaces.
“Now, where were we. Oh yes. The statement about our readiness to control the virus. Yes, that’s good. I like that bit.”
The aide enters with another document.
“Sorry to bother you again, sir. But could you please sign this document.”
“For Heaven’s sake, haven’t I told you I’m busy!”
“But it’s the order for the ventilators, sir.”
“Are you deaf? I’m busy. Go!”
The aide leaves. The Minister keeps reading.
“I do like that phrase ‘We’ll get it done’. That’ll appeal to the voters, I’m sure.”
The PR man smiles in a self-satisfied manner. The Minister gets up.
“Well, it’s getting near to my TV slot, so I’d better get smartened up.”
“Good luck sir. I hope you don’t get any difficult questions.”
“Thanks. Do I care?”

Saturday, 7 March 2020

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.
In a media interview today, Robert Emerald, city banker and Chairman of The Zone Foundation,
described the plans for an inclusion zone for the wealthy.
"We are arranging this inclusion zone because we wealthy people - the wealth generators of
this great nation - have had a number of issues recently. For example, the streets where we
live and work are littered by passers-by, there are too many small cars on the road and there is
a real danger that cheap restaurants will proliferate under the new easier planning laws. And
despite the fact that where we live and work there are always police on the streets, there are
criminals about.
We plan to build a Zone and have set up a charitable foundation to carry the work through.
The Zone will be a walled enclosure in which we wealthy will live in peace and comfort. As
most of us work or have dealings in the City, we have decided to make this area the core of
the Zone with an extension over to Chelsea, Knightsbridge and Kensington. There will also be
a Country Zone which will embrace either the whole of Surrey or the whole of Hampshire. Of
course this means that some relocations will be needed, but issues of that sort only require
money to fix them.
Access to the Zone by people who are not wealthy but are nonetheless necessary -
restaurateurs, cleaners and other staff - will be via allotted gates in the wall. IDs will be issued
to the appropriate people by our Zone Entry Agency upon proof of creditworthiness,
cleanliness and usefulness.
The Zone will be declared a tax-free area so that we wealthy do not have to waste our time
briefing lawyers and accountants on avoiding tax on our pay, bonuses, dividends, etc. We are,
however, prepared to pay tax on the services we use on a daily basis, that is, restaurants, the
purchase of champagne and fine wines, specialist gymnasia, Savile Row, night clubs, the
opera, and similar. In this way we shall continue to make our significant contribution to the
country's tax take.
In keeping with modern global trends, the Zone will be open to foreigners upon proof of
substantial wealth. We wish to maintain London's valuable reputation as the 'money-laundry
of choice.'
I do not intend to take questions. Further information will be issued in due course. Thank you.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today said that the wall being built around the
Inclusion Zone will be completed on schedule. In answer to questions from the Press, the spokesperson confirmed that there was a waiting list of dictators and high-level bankers wishing to relocate to the Zone.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The influx of deposed dictators from the Middle East was creating a heavy demand for
properties in Chelsea, but it had been agreed that priority must be given to bankers wishing to
spend their latest round of bonuses.
The Board of the Zone Foundation was gratified to demonstrate that, once again, England was
leading the world.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today confirmed that no restaurants with less than
three Michelin stars will be allowed inside the Zone. Only designer label shops of the first
quality will be allowed, whilst automobiles with less than 4.7 litre engines will be penalised.
Further, the Thames will be reserved for residents' yachts, and all roads will be resurfaced.
The House of Commons will be relocated to Skegness. The responsibilities of the City of
London Police will be extended to the whole of the Zone, with additional powers granted in
cases of attempted immigration. Tourists will not be allowed inside the Zone.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.

(Editor's note: 'The Zone' is a protected area which has been ring-fenced in London and parts of the South-East of England and made it an area restricted to the rich. For more information see below.)

A recent report revealed that London is a mere third in the world league table of resident
billionaires. After New York and Moscow.
A representative of 'The Zone' said the report was unexpected and disturbing. “However,”
said the representative, “we must draw a line under this and focus on the future. London is
clearly a more attractive venue than either New York with its mediocre cultural attractions or
Moscow with its high levels of crime and grime. And London, as the money-laundering
capital of the world, is obviously the more appropriate place for billionaires to live. Nowhere
in the entire world is it more expensive to live, or is property more expensive to buy, than in
London. These factors are clearly in our favour. A further recent report revealed that London
has the most millionaires in the world, and this good news is yet another reason for the world's
richest to come to our great metropolis.”

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The Inaugural Lecture of the First Anniversary of the Zone Foundation will be delivered by the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. He will be presented with the Croesus Award for Services to Discrete Wealth Creation.
The Chairman of the Zone Foundation said it will be an honour to welcome such a distinguished
guest whose name will be forever revered by all involved in the financial services industry,
an industry which contributes so much to the wealth of that fortunate country where this
legendary figure serves as Prime Minister.
In reply to questions from the media, a spokesperson confirmed that, despite their wealth,
footballers will not be welcomed in the Zone.


I suggested to the PM - supported by DC - that he bring in a special 'levelling up tax' on the incredibly rich but he wasn't interested.

Monday, 6 January 2020

WELCOME TO 2020.....


Tory Minister Gavin McTruth, and his long-term associate, senior
civil servant Lord Bland, announced today that Britain will go bankrupt
14 months after Brexit.
“The evidence is there for all to see,” said McTruth at a press conference held in
Westminster's Great Hall last night.

“We asked five of our largest accountancy firms, together with a translation agency, to
give the fullest consideration to the possible outcomes of our leaving the EU,” said Lord Bland. “Their findings and predictions are quite horrifying.”

The research showed five different scenarios:

Scenario One: No countries wish to sign trade agreements with the UK, because of uncertainty as to the country's future and the doubtful competence of future governments.

Scenario Two: The Faroe Islands, Papua and Fiji become Britain's major trading partners with a drop in Britain's GDP of 3001%

Scenarios Three, Four and Five: The National Debt rises to £6390 trillion. Half-empty supermarket shelves. London deserted.

On hearing the research results, the Cabinet split five ways.
Three new Prime Ministers were selected by the Tory Party, in succession.
All resigned.

Finally, a decision was made.
A memorial service is to be held at Westminster Abbey
commemorating the demise of Great Britain
on April 1st 2020.
By invitation only, no tax-payers need apply.

Subsequently the date of the memorial service was debated seventeen times in the House of Commons and the motion was finally passed by 347 votes to 313