Saturday, 7 March 2020

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.

Inclusion Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.
In a media interview today, Robert Emerald, city banker and Chairman of The Zone Foundation,
described the plans for an inclusion zone for the wealthy.
"We are arranging this inclusion zone because we wealthy people - the wealth generators of
this great nation - have had a number of issues recently. For example, the streets where we
live and work are littered by passers-by, there are too many small cars on the road and there is
a real danger that cheap restaurants will proliferate under the new easier planning laws. And
despite the fact that where we live and work there are always police on the streets, there are
criminals about.
We plan to build a Zone and have set up a charitable foundation to carry the work through.
The Zone will be a walled enclosure in which we wealthy will live in peace and comfort. As
most of us work or have dealings in the City, we have decided to make this area the core of
the Zone with an extension over to Chelsea, Knightsbridge and Kensington. There will also be
a Country Zone which will embrace either the whole of Surrey or the whole of Hampshire. Of
course this means that some relocations will be needed, but issues of that sort only require
money to fix them.
Access to the Zone by people who are not wealthy but are nonetheless necessary -
restaurateurs, cleaners and other staff - will be via allotted gates in the wall. IDs will be issued
to the appropriate people by our Zone Entry Agency upon proof of creditworthiness,
cleanliness and usefulness.
The Zone will be declared a tax-free area so that we wealthy do not have to waste our time
briefing lawyers and accountants on avoiding tax on our pay, bonuses, dividends, etc. We are,
however, prepared to pay tax on the services we use on a daily basis, that is, restaurants, the
purchase of champagne and fine wines, specialist gymnasia, Savile Row, night clubs, the
opera, and similar. In this way we shall continue to make our significant contribution to the
country's tax take.
In keeping with modern global trends, the Zone will be open to foreigners upon proof of
substantial wealth. We wish to maintain London's valuable reputation as the 'money-laundry
of choice.'
I do not intend to take questions. Further information will be issued in due course. Thank you.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today said that the wall being built around the
Inclusion Zone will be completed on schedule. In answer to questions from the Press, the spokesperson confirmed that there was a waiting list of dictators and high-level bankers wishing to relocate to the Zone.

Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The influx of deposed dictators from the Middle East was creating a heavy demand for
properties in Chelsea, but it had been agreed that priority must be given to bankers wishing to
spend their latest round of bonuses.
The Board of the Zone Foundation was gratified to demonstrate that, once again, England was
leading the world.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today confirmed that no restaurants with less than
three Michelin stars will be allowed inside the Zone. Only designer label shops of the first
quality will be allowed, whilst automobiles with less than 4.7 litre engines will be penalised.
Further, the Thames will be reserved for residents' yachts, and all roads will be resurfaced.
The House of Commons will be relocated to Skegness. The responsibilities of the City of
London Police will be extended to the whole of the Zone, with additional powers granted in
cases of attempted immigration. Tourists will not be allowed inside the Zone.


Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.

(Editor's note: 'The Zone' is a protected area which has been ring-fenced in London and parts of the South-East of England and made it an area restricted to the rich. For more information see below.)

A recent report revealed that London is a mere third in the world league table of resident
billionaires. After New York and Moscow.
A representative of 'The Zone' said the report was unexpected and disturbing. “However,”
said the representative, “we must draw a line under this and focus on the future. London is
clearly a more attractive venue than either New York with its mediocre cultural attractions or
Moscow with its high levels of crime and grime. And London, as the money-laundering
capital of the world, is obviously the more appropriate place for billionaires to live. Nowhere
in the entire world is it more expensive to live, or is property more expensive to buy, than in
London. These factors are clearly in our favour. A further recent report revealed that London
has the most millionaires in the world, and this good news is yet another reason for the world's
richest to come to our great metropolis.”



Update on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The Inaugural Lecture of the First Anniversary of the Zone Foundation will be delivered by the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. He will be presented with the Croesus Award for Services to Discrete Wealth Creation.
The Chairman of the Zone Foundation said it will be an honour to welcome such a distinguished
guest whose name will be forever revered by all involved in the financial services industry,
an industry which contributes so much to the wealth of that fortunate country where this
legendary figure serves as Prime Minister.
In reply to questions from the media, a spokesperson confirmed that, despite their wealth,
footballers will not be welcomed in the Zone.

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I suggested to the PM - supported by DC - that he bring in a special 'levelling up tax' on the incredibly rich but he wasn't interested.

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