Inclusion
Zone Planned for England's Wealthy.
In
a media interview today, Robert Emerald, city banker and Chairman of
The Zone Foundation,
described
the plans for an inclusion zone for the wealthy.
"We
are arranging this inclusion zone because we wealthy people - the
wealth generators of
this
great nation - have had a number of issues recently. For example, the
streets where we
live
and work are littered by passers-by, there are too many small cars on
the road and there is
a
real danger that cheap restaurants will proliferate under the new
easier planning laws. And
despite
the fact that where we live and work there are always police on the
streets, there are
criminals
about.
We
plan to build a Zone and have set up a charitable foundation to carry
the work through.
The
Zone will be a walled enclosure in which we wealthy will live in
peace and comfort. As
most
of us work or have dealings in the City, we have decided to make this
area the core of
the
Zone with an extension over to Chelsea, Knightsbridge and Kensington.
There will also be
a
Country Zone which will embrace either the whole of Surrey or the
whole of Hampshire. Of
course
this means that some relocations will be needed, but issues of that
sort only require
money
to fix them.
Access
to the Zone by people who are not wealthy but are nonetheless
necessary -
restaurateurs,
cleaners and other staff - will be via allotted gates in the wall.
IDs will be issued
to
the appropriate people by our Zone Entry Agency upon proof of
creditworthiness,
cleanliness
and usefulness.
The
Zone will be declared a tax-free area so that we wealthy do not have
to waste our time
briefing
lawyers and accountants on avoiding tax on our pay, bonuses,
dividends, etc. We are,
however,
prepared to pay tax on the services we use on a daily basis, that is,
restaurants, the
purchase
of champagne and fine wines, specialist gymnasia, Savile Row, night
clubs, the
opera,
and similar. In this way we shall continue to make our significant
contribution to the
country's
tax take.
In
keeping with modern global trends, the Zone will be open to
foreigners upon proof of
substantial
wealth. We wish to maintain London's valuable reputation as the
'money-laundry
of
choice.'
I
do not intend to take questions. Further information will be issued
in due course. Thank you.
Update
on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A
spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today said that the wall being
built around the
Inclusion
Zone will be completed on schedule. In answer to questions from the
Press, the spokesperson confirmed that there was a waiting list of
dictators and high-level bankers wishing to relocate to the Zone.
Update
on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The
influx of deposed dictators from the Middle East was creating a heavy
demand for
properties
in Chelsea, but it had been agreed that priority must be given to
bankers wishing to
spend
their latest round of bonuses.
The
Board of the Zone Foundation was gratified to demonstrate that, once
again, England was
leading
the world.
Update
on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
A
spokesperson for the Zone Foundation today confirmed that no
restaurants with less than
three
Michelin stars will be allowed inside the Zone. Only designer label
shops of the first
quality
will be allowed, whilst automobiles with less than 4.7 litre engines
will be penalised.
Further,
the Thames will be reserved for residents' yachts, and all roads will
be resurfaced.
The
House of Commons will be relocated to Skegness. The responsibilities
of the City of
London
Police will be extended to the whole of the Zone, with additional
powers granted in
cases
of attempted immigration. Tourists will not be allowed inside the
Zone.
Update
on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
(Editor's
note: 'The Zone' is a protected area which has been ring-fenced in
London and parts of the South-East of England and made it an area
restricted to the rich. For more information see below.)
A
recent report revealed that London is a mere third in the world
league table of resident
billionaires.
After New York and Moscow.
A
representative of 'The Zone' said the report was unexpected and
disturbing. “However,”
said
the representative, “we must draw a line under this and focus on
the future. London is
clearly
a more attractive venue than either New York with its mediocre
cultural attractions or
Moscow
with its high levels of crime and grime. And London, as the
money-laundering
capital
of the world, is obviously the more appropriate place for
billionaires to live. Nowhere
in
the entire world is it more expensive to live, or is property more
expensive to buy, than in
London.
These factors are clearly in our favour. A further recent report
revealed that London
has
the most millionaires in the world, and this good news is yet another
reason for the world's
richest
to come to our great metropolis.”
Update
on Inclusion Zone for England's Wealthy.
The
Inaugural Lecture of the First Anniversary of the Zone Foundation
will be delivered
by the Prime Minister, Boris Johnson.
He
will
be presented with the Croesus Award for Services to Discrete Wealth
Creation.
The
Chairman
of the Zone Foundation said it will
be
an honour to welcome such a
distinguished
guest
whose name will be forever revered by all involved in the financial
services industry,
an
industry which contributes so much to the wealth of that fortunate
country where this
legendary
figure serves as Prime Minister.
In
reply to questions from the media, a spokesperson confirmed that,
despite their wealth,
footballers
will not be welcomed in the Zone.
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I suggested to the PM - supported by DC - that he bring in a special 'levelling up tax' on the incredibly rich but he wasn't interested.
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I suggested to the PM - supported by DC - that he bring in a special 'levelling up tax' on the incredibly rich but he wasn't interested.