Tuesday, 12 May 2020
TAXING THE AIR WE BREATHE after COVID
Transcript of an interview with the Environmental Minister on DeepHead TV's current affairs programme.
Interviewer: Could you please tell the viewers more about the government's proposal to tax air and replenish the national coffers, once the Covid virus is conquered?
Minister: Of course. This is a most exciting initiative. And Britain will once again be leading the world. As you know, the country's financial situation is extremely difficult, due mainly to the virus and the current turmoil in the European Union. As the government, we take our responsibility very seriously to reduce the country's debt and, as the Prime Minister says, to lead Britain forward again. We know, from our soundings up and down the country, that the people of Britain will welcome any initiative that helps to improve the country's economic situation. So we know that this carefully thought-out proposal to tax air will be gladly received.
Interviewer: How will it actually work?
Minister: People will pay a tax on the air they breathe, of course. Now, most importantly, we want this to be a fair tax – so there will be different levels of taxation.
Interviewer: Different levels of taxation?
Minister: Of course. You can't expect everybody to pay the same tax. There are different rates of use. There are different qualities of air. So we have taken these facts into consideration and our proposal contains the very best of British fairness. For example, old folk, over the age of 75, will pay less than others because they consume less. Young people between the age of 14 and 30 will pay more because they consume more air. People who live in the countryside and at the seaside will pay a small premium because their air is purer than elsewhere.
Interviewer: And what about London?
Minister: You are right to ask. It's most important that we get that right. Our proposal is to make no charge for it within the City, the boroughs of Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster, and immediately contiguous postal codes.
Interviewer: You're going to refine the air in central London and make no charge for it?
Minister: Most certainly. We don't want in any way to displease the many resident billionaires in London who make such a huge contribution to Britain's economy and the Tory Party.
Interviewer: Let me see if I've understood that. You propose to tax the British people for the use of air – but not to tax the wealthy in London.
Minister: Quite so.
Interviewer: But that's outrageous and totally unfair!
Minister: Oh God! Another pleb! Where's my limo?