TAXING THE AIR WE
BREATHE after COVID
Transcript of an
interview with the Environmental Minister on DeepHead TV's current
affairs programme.
Interviewer:
Could you please tell the viewers more about the government's
proposal to tax air and
replenish the national coffers, once the Covid virus is conquered?
Minister: Of
course. This is a most exciting initiative. And Britain will once
again be leading the world. As you know, the country's financial
situation is extremely difficult, due mainly to the virus
and the current turmoil in the European Union. As the government, we
take our responsibility very seriously to reduce the country's debt
and, as the Prime Minister says, to lead Britain forward again. We
know, from our soundings up and down the country, that the people of
Britain will welcome any initiative that helps to improve the
country's economic situation. So we know that this carefully
thought-out proposal to tax air will be gladly received.
Interviewer: How
will it actually work?
Minister: People
will pay a tax on the air they breathe, of course. Now, most
importantly, we want this to be a fair tax – so there will be
different levels of taxation.
Interviewer: Different
levels of taxation?
Minister: Of
course. You can't expect everybody to pay the same tax. There are
different rates of use. There are different qualities of air. So we
have taken these facts into consideration and our proposal contains
the very best of British fairness. For example, old folk, over the
age of 75, will pay less than others because they consume less.
Young people between the age of 14 and 30 will pay more because they
consume more air. People who live in the countryside and at the
seaside will pay a small premium because their air is purer than
elsewhere.
Interviewer: And
what about London?
Minister: You
are right to ask. It's most important that we get that right. Our
proposal is to make no charge for it within the City, the boroughs of
Kensington & Chelsea, Westminster, and immediately contiguous
postal codes.
Interviewer: You're
going to refine the air in central
London and make no charge
for it?
Minister: Most
certainly. We don't want in any way to displease the many resident
billionaires in London who make such a huge contribution to Britain's
economy and the Tory Party.
Interviewer: Let
me see if I've understood that. You propose to tax the British
people for the use of air – but not to tax the wealthy in London.
Minister: Quite
so.
Interviewer: But
that's outrageous and totally unfair!
Minister: Oh
God! Another pleb! Where's my limo?