Tuesday, 8 September 2020

I often have to spend time waiting outside the PM's office.....

 

.and today I couldn't help over-hearing a private conversation between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

PM: I've always been clear that I want to maintain our great nation's finances in superb condition...so that those Europeans cannot gloat when we leave them, without their stupid deal. Now, give me a brief summary of the current situation

CE: Er...

PM: Get on with it, man!

CE: Certainly, Prime Minister. Our National Debt is at this moment £2.13 trillion.

PM: What!

CE: Second only in size to that of the U.S.

PM: Great Heavens! When did that happen?

CE: Over many years. Every government we've had has just borrowed more and more.

PM: Can't we pay it down somehow?

CE: Unfortunately no. Our current bank balance is actually £114 billion in the red.

PM: What! Are you sure? Have you done your sums right?

CE: Yes, Prime Minister. I have.

PM: Well. They won't increase any further as long as I'm Prime Minister.

CE: Um. They already have.

PM: What?

CE: We've spent a great deal of money fighting Covid. In fact, so far, we've spent £220 billion.

PM: What? Ridiculous!

CE: And we've announced we'll be spending another £100 billion at least.

PM: What!

CE: It might not reach £400 billion in total, but it would be safe to assume so,

PM: £400 billion? How on earth...

CE: We discussed it briefly over breakfast – once in May and again in June. I gave you summaries of the situation as you were in a hurry to see your fiancee.

PM: H'm. Well! Something must be done! You should know what to do. You're the Chancellor!

CE: It's very difficult, Prime Minister. We can't put up income tax or VAT.

PM: Why on earth not?

CE: We said we would never do that. In our election manifesto.

PM: Oh, fiddle. We'll just forget that. We'll put the taxes up at the same time as we announce we'll be giving more money to the NHS.

CE: But we haven't got any money left to give to the NHS.

PM: Don't be naïve. It will be a great story for our media, but with undefined dates.

CE: Oh, I see. But there is another problem....

PM: Really? Then make it snappy, or I'll be late for my next photo-op. A really good one. Eating a waffle outside Number Ten.

CE: A waffle! Isn't there a rather dangerous connotation?

PM: It will show that I'm a man of the people. And after that I'm off on a short holiday to Northern Ireland. We'll probably take the bike.

CE: Um, the next problem, Prime Minister, is very serious. We are soon going to be unable to pay our debts to the banks and foreign governments that we use now. However, I have contacted the bank your donor recommended. The Sino-Arabian Bank. They seem quite ready to give us a mortgage.

PM: Excellent! Do it! But 'timeo Chinkies ut dona ferentes,' eh!

CE: I'm sorry. What was that?





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