Pageviews from the past week

Monday, 23 November 2020

RE-SET. The PM and the Louvre.

At our latest meeting, the PM emphasised again how a great deal of money is needed to pay the bills due to Covid,

I suppose you know, Bryggs, that our National Debt is now over £2 trillion,” he said as I sat down.

 Yes, Prime Minister. Not good. The media is saying that another trillion has been spent fighting Covid so far this year.”

 Yes, Yes. Quite. So we need some hefty sales figures from you.”

Perhaps I should remind the reader that I am the guy whose job it is to sell off as much of the UK as I can, to pay off the country’s debts. Some of which debts I’m sure are hidden from the public.

The PM is massaging his head and suddenly stops. Also he has developed the beginning of a parting. My guess is that his image consultant suggested he should look more sophisticated when he hosts the upcoming International Climate Control Congress. Hence the beginning of a move away from the floppy look.  Anyway, I need to bring him up to date on the latest potential sale. A biggie.

 I had a call from Maxence Laurent-Bartelot this morning,” I say. 

Who?"

He’s the Director of the Louvre. He wants to buy the National Gallery.” 

Great Scott! Why on earth would he want to do that?”

Well, Prime Minister, they started an expansion programme a little while ago and now they have a Louvre in Abu Dhabi. My guess is they want to expand more internationally. But the big success in this expansion was the Louvre Lens. A huge new gallery in Lens, in northern France. 50 acre site, 300,000 square feet interior, and one million visitors in the first year.”

H’m. Why did they choose Lens particularly? Where is it exactly”

They chose Lens because they wanted to bring culture to the North and not have it centred on Paris. Lens was a huge coal-mining area back in the day. When I visited it last year, it was a depressing place, men standing around, no work, very sad.  I guess the French government saw the Louvre expansion as a sort of levelling-up exercise.”

What did you say? Levelling up? Culturally? What a brilliant idea!”

In his apparent excitement he messes up his new parting.

What art galleries do we have up North? Any?”

There are big galleries in Manchester and Liverpool. Not much north of those.”

Ha! Excellent! Now. This is what I want you to do. Go back to your Maxence johnnie and tell him no thanks. But tell him we could sell him a big building for his Louvre. And then go and see whatsisname, the Minister for Buildings, and tell him to find something choice for the French.”

As I leave, I hear him talking on the phone to the Minister for the Northern Powerhouse. (Believe me, there is one...)



Saturday, 14 November 2020

P.M. to assume title of President?

 I was sent this by No. 10's newly appointed PR writer ( not me) and was quite surprised.

Prime Minister Assumes Role of President of UK.

Cabinet Disbanded. 

At a dramatic press conference today, the new President of the UK had this to say about his new role:

After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.

A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.

At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.

I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Biden, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng, amongst others.

In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past.

I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Christopher Failing and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography. After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.

I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through this stronger, now that I am your President.

I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish border.”

Sunday, 8 November 2020

The PM and Joe Biden. Revelations!

As most of his government are off in Recess, as they call it – it’s their version of half-term – and his fiancee has gone to see her mother, the PM called me in to have coffee with him. A rare pleasure.

You’ve lived in the States, Bryggs,” he said. “What do people think of Biden? He must have some good qualities, beating my friend, er.., my opposite number, and becoming President.”

He’s served the democratic party well for decades. Reliable. Serious. But now a bit old-looking. 78. And it showed when he tried to look agile and young by trotting up to the rostrum whenever he gave a speech. Some say he won because voters just felt they couldn’t stand any more of Trump. And that they would have even voted for Nigel Farage if he had been American,”

Good God!”

But I think both stories are stupid. And Biden is certainly not.”

Oh?”

Obviously, having been chosen by the Democrat Party to run for President, he’s very well considered by his peers. Actually, he’s their big policy expert on foreign affairs.”

H’m.”

Wants to expand NATO.”

H’m.”

Favours strategic arms limitations”

H’m.”

His background is that he comes from a working class family.”

H’m.”

Got a law degree. Wife has always worked and still does, as a teacher.”

Another lawyer, eh?”

Not for very long. Went into politics and became one of the youngest senators ever in US history.”

H’m.”

And, of course, is a great fan of the EU.”

Yes. Well. Thank you, Bryggs. I suppose I’d better congratulate him.”

So I finished my coffee and left.



 

Thursday, 5 November 2020

The PM asks for more PR.

 

The PM was so impressed with the PR that I wrote for him (see previous post) that he asked me to do some more for his next televised speech. This is what I’m going to send him tomorrow:


With your help, people of our great nation, we can again become the envy of the world, the great global country we know we can be. We have a world-leading reputation based on doing things better, so that at times of crisis the world looks to Britain. Countries look to us to provide moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. And, because that is our duty, we shall remain world-leading in the future and build a compelling vision of Britain outside the EU. Free of the EU, we shall champion free and open trade. And our prosperity will grow and grow! Britain is now open for business more than ever!

And, with your help, all four nations of our great United Kingdom will be healthier and happier communities - for this generation and the next.”

(I won’t tell him that every word above is taken from recent speeches by his ministers.)