I was sent this by No. 10's newly appointed PR writer ( not me) and was quite surprised.
Minister Assumes Role of President of UK.
At a dramatic press conference today, the new President of the UK had this to say about his new role:
“After all the difficulties of the negotiations with the EU, the utter confusion in the government, particularly the Cabinet, and with further separate factions setting up within the Conservative Party, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families concerning the EU, about which I have always been clear.
A President is able to get things done. Whereas a Cabinet of 26 differing opinions – each greedily concerned with their own position – is a waste of time. Courage, determination, tenacity will show Brussels that we are not to be bullied, whereas a Cabinet can only weaken our negotiating position.
At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.
I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Trump, President Biden, President Macron, President Maduro, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng, amongst others.
In addition to getting the EU leaders to focus, I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past.
I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent friend Christopher Failing and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography. After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.
I know that, if we lift our eyes to the other side, we have it in our power to come through this stronger, now that I am your President.
I must leave you now. War has broken out on the Scottish border.”