LATE BREAKING NEWS!
FOOD RIOTS EXPECTED
The Minister for Food, Lord Rumble of Belch, has announced the Government Plan for combatting food riots due to shortage of lorry drivers. He said at a Press Conference today:
“The Government has always been clear that feeding the British people is its priority. To this end, we are calling upon Her Majesty's Armed Forces to stand ready to combat food riots. It is expected that there will be delays in managing food imports, and that certain elements of the public may respond with violence. This will be dealt with swiftly and firmly. We can say to the British people that everything is being done by your government is takng all steps ensure that food reaches every family's table.”
Brigadier Victor Thump has been given the task of overseeing the military operations. He said: “We shall not tolerate any violence on British streets. We are not a third world country! My troops will react immediately to the slightest hint of violence in the streets. People should remain calm and await their rations.”
The Minister for Stock-piling, Max Hoard, said steps have been taken to stock-pile adequate food supplies to feed the nation. “Not one person in Britain, not one of our citizens will go hungry, longer than three days. Your government will ensure that the British people - man, woman and child - shall not be without food, so long as they have their ration books.”
The Assistant Minister for Stockpiling (Medicines), Yasmin Asprinovski, also advised that troops are standing by ready to combat any violence in hospital wards should patients start fighting over prescriptions, delayed operations or bed linen laundry.
Pageviews from the past week
Tuesday, 3 August 2021
Wednesday, 21 July 2021
Which two countries have these things in common?
A Leader who cares nought for democracy, except where it helps him
Whose government is supported by billionaires
That has a press that avoids criticism of the party and its leader
That has a press that applauds every move the leader and his party make
That supplies arms to dictators
That manipulates government funds
to its advantage
That tells its people it has their welfare at heart
That deliberately under-funds public services
That is largely Capital-oriented, with little knowledge of other regions of the country, nor the workers
Where the leader spurns normal moral practice
Where elected officials are not required to bring anything to the government except unwavering support
Where skills other than oratory are dismissed
Where the Leader can do what he wants, be accused, but knows that nothing will happen
Where inquiries are made into political behaviour but the findings are not published
Did you work it out?
Russia and the UK.
Downing Street declined to comment on these claims ahead of publication.
After initial online publication, Downing Street issued this statement: “Yesterday the Mirror and Guardian wrote inaccurate stories about our Government. Today they are writing more inaccurate stories. We will not waste our time answering a stream of false allegations from campaigning newspapers.”
Friday, 4 June 2021
OVERHEARD - A confidential conversation between the Prime Minister and the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
PM: I've always been clear that I want to maintain our country's finances in sparkling condition...so that those Europeans cannot gloat. Now, give me a brief summary of the current situation.
PM: Get on with it, man!
RS: Well, Prime Minister. Our National Debt is at this moment £2.13 trillion.
RS: Second only in size to that of the US.
PM: Great Heavens. When did that happen?
RS: It's been happening for a long time now. In fact, every government we’ve had just borrowed more and more.
PM: Can't we pay it down somehow?
RS: Unfortunately, no. Our current bank balance is actually £114 billion in the red.
PM: What! Are you sure? Have you done your sums right?
RS: Yes, Prime Minister. I have.
PM: Well. They won't increase so long as I'm Prime Minister.
RS: Um. They already have.
RS:We’ve already spent a ton of money, fighting Covid, etc. In fact, so far, we’ve spent £220 billion.
PM: What!? Ridiculous!
RS: And we’ve announced we’ll be spending another £100 billion at least.
RS: It might not reach £400 billion in total, but it would be safe to assume so.
P.M: £400 billion! How on earth….?
RS: We discussed it over breakfast last week. I left aide-memoires for you with the numbers, as you were in a hurry to see your wife.
PM: H’m. Well! Something must be done! You should know what to do – you’re the Chancellor!
RS: It’s very difficult, Prime Minister. We can’t put up income tax or VAT.
PM: Why on earth not?
RS: We said we wouldn’t in our election manifesto.
PM: Oh, fiddle. We’ll just forget it. We’ll put the taxes up at the same time as we announce we’ll be giving more money to the NHS.
RS: But we haven’t got any money left to give to the NHS.
PM: Don’t be naive, Rushi. It will be a story for the media. With undefined dates.
RS: Oh. I see. But there is another problem.
PM: Really? Then make it snappy, or I’ll be late for my next photo-op. A really good one. Eating a waffle outside Number Ten. It will show I’m a man of the people.
RS: A waffle? Isn’t that slightly..er.. dangerous?
PM: And after that I’m off on holiday. I’ll probably take the bike. The North’s nice and flat, I believe.
RS: Um. The next problem is very serious. Financially, we are soon going to be unable to pay our debts to the banks and other governments that we usenow. But I’ve contacted the one your donor recommended – the Sino-Arabian Bank. They seem reliable people. And quite ready to give us a mortgage.
PM: Excellent! Do it! But, timeo foreign johnnies ut dona ferentes, eh? I should have been running this country a long time ago…..
Saturday, 22 May 2021
Recent studies have shown that the use of artificial intelligence (AI) in making decisions on governmental issues provides better answers than the personal wishes of an egotistical leader or the discussions of a 24 person Cabinet.
Professor Incho Blink of the London School of Algorithmics said at a press conference today, “Our in-depth research has shown that AI can be of considerable benefit to both government and citizens. And most probably it would be more cost-effective in the long run. We have presented these results to the Prime Minister and to the Minister for Culture, Sport and Digital Affairs, from whom we expect to hear shortly.”
Examples of the studies have been published and are given below. They show the question put to the AI software, its answer, and its rationale for the answer.
1. What is the action that should be taken in the case of an international pandemic?
Answer: Immediate Lockdown
Rationale: Inhibit spread of germ through social contact. 1 person infects on average 10, 10 - 100, 100 - 1000 and so on, quickly reaching millions of infected cases.
2. Will costs go up after Brexit?
Rationale: Brexit means leaving the biggest trading bloc in the world, whence 62% of UK fresh food emanates and 78% of medical supplies. Customs duties etc will result in increase in living expenses of £200 per person per month.
Rationale: Both can be destroyed easily by drones using sophisticated untrackable software.
4. Should taxpayer funds be spent on drones?
Rationale: To protect British fisheries.
Rationale: Charity for homeless and hungry begins at home.
Answer: NHS workers – Yes. MPs. - No.
Rationale: Calculation based on usefulness to society.
Rationale: The last two are overseeing the demise of Britain’s economy and its
standing in the world.
Saturday, 17 April 2021
Gripping. Compelling. Unputdownable. Fast-paced. Action-packed. Vengeful. Against Sleaze and Corruption...
These are the phrases used to describe the new international best-seller,
"The Contract Assassin"
Where sleaze, corruption and rampant cronyism are taken on.
Wednesday, 14 April 2021
Friday, 2 April 2021
This is circulating in Westminster, apparently with a view to improving Ministerial statements to the media.
THE GOVERNMENT’S OFFICIAL PHRASE-BOOK.
All statements to the media must contain at least two of these phrases.
At times of crisis the world looks to Britain
Countries look to us to provide moral leadership and global leadership
The UK is a world leader in tackling global issues
We are, and we shall remain, world-leading in the future
We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better
We have some of the highest standards in the world
Respected and admired around the world
Leading the way, leading from the front
Globally recognised, the best in the world
We are a global leader, committed to the highest standards
A beacon to the rest of Europe and the World
Britain is once again a global nation
We will not be squeezed or sand-bagged into anyone else’s agenda
I have always been clear that...
Each of the above phrases has been used before. Each has been submitted to poll testing and found to be well-received by the public.
Wednesday, 10 March 2021
And a high-viz jacket – I think I left it at that ghastly comprehensive school.
My fiancee wants an extra chaise-longue. She will tell you who to buy it from.
I want to elevate my hairdresser to the House of Lords. You should organise this with the appropriate people.
It’s coming up to a birthday for one of my offspring – not sure if it’s the fourth or the fifth. Check it out and organise a card, would you, and don’t forget to sign it ‘from your Uncle B.’
We need more Union Jacks in the Media Room.
I want some numbers on how our exports have hugely improved since Brexit.
I’m going to write a book entitled ‘U-Turns. A New Strategy for a Strong Future.’ Get someone to dig up some useful data.
I shall be at Chequers from Friday to Tuesday afternoon.. Tell my Ministers not to bother me with their problems until Wednesday. And remind them that Thursday is my hard-hat day for visiting a hospital.
Now, get my guards organised. I need to go for a bike ride.
Saturday, 13 February 2021
Planning Permission and Downing Street.
County Council has granted permission for the following retail
facilities to be built, in pursuance of the need to get Britain's
workers back onto London’s streets as soon as the lockdown is lifted.
The ‘Dodge & Duck’ public house
The Waffle Shop – ‘world-beating bites.’
Snak’s Snax - ‘£10 off every bite.’
The Floppy Hair Men’s Barbers
Givin’s Charity Shop – ‘helping hungry kids'
The Vaccine Store – vaccines without tiers
Dominic’s Scruffy Clothing Boutique (closed).
The U-Turn Driving School – with best skid pan.
Monday, 25 January 2021
A Psychologist’s Report on the Prime Minister.
The PM is now in his late 50s, but it seems we are dealing with a psychological adolescent. That is the period in life when people are establishing their identity - who are they? It is an interesting challenge since it involves both the memory of one's own experiences up to that time and the department store of potential identities - what one can invent or adopt for oneself. The mature person makes a happy conjunction of these two. The more one invents a self that does not take into account what one has been and indeed what one is in temperament and mental ability will lead to trouble. I think this is the PM’'s basic problem - he has not achieved this synthesis, too many skeletons in the cupboard, and unfortunately for him, too many people know the skeletons.
He has been blessed with a good brain and with charm. The latter, whilst this can be an advantage in life, can have the disadvantage that the person does not get accurate feedback on which to operate. The self-image can therefore proceed unchecked by appropriate checks and balances. Such people can believe their own propaganda. They are usually equipped with defence mechanisms in the form of cognitive distortions to deal with and dismiss adverse criticism when it arises. This becomes neutralised and reflection is therefore not in the repertoire. However, he appears lazy intellectually and will give up when it requires effort. The problem with journalism, Boris' profession, is that it rarely requires real depth. In journalism you can be quite dilettante, picking up and putting down a subject without having to delve too deeply. This would have suited the PM has but not been a good training for his political career. Whilst he was Foreign Secretary and at the United Nations he seemed to exasperate the civil servants by being rather superficial and it appeared he was simply going to wing it, whatever the issue was.
It is reported that he is lazy. This suggests that he will not expend effort on strategic thinking, and is more likely to respond to the dictates of the present perhaps to the extent of being impulsive, operating on the hoof. Whilst this can give an illusion of success in the short term, it is likely to store up a host of hostages to fortune for the future, and in time the incoherence will become apparent.
The 'good brain' issue needs deconstructing. People can easily be impressed by people who are articulate or who interlard their discourse with reference to obscure or specialist knowledge. It makes them feel inadequate and therefore they dare not ask questions or be challenging. The individual's image of themselves can be massaged. However, it can mask the absence of original thought, the person's 'intelligence' being reliant of repeating other people's ideas. The PM is not an original thinker and is wearing borrowed clothes, the ideas and thoughts of others. This is fine until confronted with a novel situation for which there is no prior model. This is his present predicament. Modelling oneself on a war leader with a very tangible enemy is not appropriate against a pandemic. His desire to be loved/liked means it is difficult for him to tell people what they do not want to hear, particular when there are people in denial about the severity of the situation.
The PM always wants to be in the frame. Ofen wearing a hi-viz jacket. I think this is significant and suggests a certain narcissism that he is the centre of attention. Narcissism comes with a sense of entitlement, a mind set boosted by such places as Eton and Oxford. He does not appear, unless it suits him, a loyal person -his first duty is to himself. He will not engender loyalty, either. The Tory party does not like losers and when he begins to be floundering, they will dump him unceremoniously. He will then appear a sorry figure.
The trouble is that we don't see the real Boris. He has a well-cultivated act, that is effective in achieving certain outcomes and in avoiding others. The trouble with this is that it all becomes a game, it's all a jolly romp rather than something to be taken seriously. It is a fine defence when things go wrong, though it portrays little awareness of any negative impact upon others.
author’s name and credentials have been redacted.]
Saturday, 9 January 2021
Police were called to a bar in the House of Commons last night when fighting broke out at about ll.20 pm. The fighting lasted one hour and twenty minutes resulting in 158 casualties and 234 arrests. Extra police were called in to stop MPs destroying bar furniture and valuable Victorian mirrors.
DSI Cramp commented that it was a deplorable fact that more and more of this sort of mindless violence characterised the House of Commons since the Brexit referendum.
“This behaviour is alcohol-fuelled,” he said, “And is a strong argument for increasing the tax-payer subsidised drinks prices in this bar. It is a regrettable fact that both older and younger members will over-indulge on occasion, especially when nursing their grievances after the referendum”
According to an eye witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, the fighting broke out when several members started talking in insulting tones about other members. This encouraged a group who had been drinking steadily since about six o'clock, to respond, using foul language. The eye witness confirmed that these two groups – the Leavers and the Remainers - are constantly causing trouble in the bar and outside in the hallways where sometimes running fights almost erupt into the Chamber.
On this occasion the insults grew louder and then tables were pushed back and chairs thrown and one member ran forward and head-butted another before being floored by a blow from a bottle. A Minister was heard to shout, “He's down! Put the boot in!”
Other members came running in from the hallways and joined in the fighting, some shouting “Allez! Allez!” and others “Kick the blighters!” There was broken glass, broken chairs, torn clothing and bloodstains on the carpeting. When the police arrived it was some time before they could restore order as a number of the members turned on them shouting, “What about parliamentary privilege, eh?”
A spokesman for Number Ten said that the whole incident had been exaggerated and merely involved some good-natured joking between party members.