It's financial crunch-time for Great Britain. The galactic interest charges on the National Debt must be paid. The Prime Minister and his Cabinet are desperate to sell assets to raise cash. But only one man can save the nation. Jason Bryggs. He'll sell anything to maximise his bonus....
Pageviews from the past week
Wednesday, 1 September 2021
Hood Robin and His Scary Men - A Fable for Our Times....
HOOD ROBIN AND HIS SCARY MEN. A FABLE FOR OUR TIMES LIST OF CHARACTERS: Baddies: Hood Robin -A most successful banker Friar TaxFree -The world's biggest expert on tax avoidance BigBonus John- Lives only for his bonus Allan a Deal- An infamous deal-maker. Much the Hedger's Son- The son of the biggest hedge fund trader ever. Prince WallStreet -The toughest banker/private equity manager/ hedge fund trader/ commodities dealer/ in the whole world. The Sheriff of the City Goodies: An Old Man Churl - A hero of the poor Hack! Another. ***********************A COPSE IN SHERWOOD FOREST. MORNING. Hood Robin and his Scary Men sing and dance. SCARY MENWe are the filthy rich; We're ripping off the poor. We're leaving them without a stitch, The bailiff at the door. We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah! The golden boys of bonuses as well! We are the filthy rich; We're ripping off the poor. We take it all without a hitch, 'cos we're above the law. We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah! The golden boys of bonuses as well!
Enter Prince WallStreet and the Sheriff. WALLSTREET O.K!
O.K! Very nice - but quit it! You guys have gotta work a lot harder if
we're gonna hit 18 billion in bonus this year. Ya gotta hit the poor
harder! Harder, ya hear! That's what they're here for, right? To be hit,
right? Our bonus target is 18 billion and I don't mean 17 billion.
Geddit? HOODWe're working on it WallStreet. We'll get there, don't you worry. WALLSTREETThere's
millions of poor out there! Go out and get 'em! I've fixed everything
up with your government so you don't have no issues there, OK? SHERIFFOh, yes. Oh dear me, yes. The Prince did a splendid job. I'm sure we could never have done it without him. WALLSTREETSo tell the guys what I did. SHERIFFWell, after a series of meetings, the government backed down totally on all of its threats. Every single one! The Scary Men cheer.
SHERIFF They threatened total transparency. The Scary Men groan. SHERIFFThey threatened dreadful regulations. The Scary Men shudder. SHERIFFThey said they'd put an extra tax on our bonuses. The Scary Men suck in their lips. SHERIFFThey said they would never bail us out again. The Scary Men make 'ouch' noises. SHERIFFBut,
in the end, they backed off from everything they'd said. Nothing will
happen. Nothing whatsoever. It's all absolutely splendid! The Scary Men whoop and applaud. WALLSTREETSo, there ya go, guys. The road is clear. And the poor are everywhere. So no delay. Let's do it! SHERIFFOn
the subject of the poor being everywhere, we are very close to
completing the wall around the City. It's 25 feet high all the way
round! Of course, the police will continue to patrol the City every day,
as they always have. So you see, there will be no bank raids in our
territory! Tee hee. The Scary Men laugh and pat each other on the back. Wallstreet and the Sheriff leave.Enter an old man carrying a bundle under his arm. HOODHold fast there, old loon! OLD MAN Eh? HOODStop! Where are you going? OLD MANFrance. If it's any business of yours, young man. HOODFrance? OLD MAN Aye, France. It's warmer there and they have baguettes and citizens' banks. And that's where I'm going. HOODTaking all your money with you, are you? The Scary Men all laugh. OLD MANI am. HOOD In that bundle? OLD MANAye. Although what its got to do with you, I don't know. Who are you, anyway, with all your impertinent questions? The Scary Men all hoot. HOODI'm Hood Robin. And these are my Scary Men. So hand over your bundle, old loon. OLD MANDear me. That's bad news. HOODToo right! The Scary Men all laugh again.The Old Man walks forward to the front of the stage and addresses the audience. OLD MANFriends. Don't be too worried about me. I've got a little surprise for this rabble, even though I’m very old.He turns towards Hood. OLD MANYes. that's really bad news. For you, I mean. HOODWhat? Don't make me laugh! Hand over your bundle! OLD MANHere you are. But you shouldn't open it. HOODCome on! Why not, eh? OLD MANBecause you might not like what you see inside. HOOD Then, you open it! OLD MANAre you frightened, Hood? I thought you were a big tough guy. (To the Scary Men) And he's your leader? How sad. HOODI'll knock your block off, you old loon, if you don't shut up and open that bundle.OLD MANDon't say I didn't warn you. He
puts the bundle on the ground and slowly unrolls it. Nothing happens.
Hood approaches the bundle warily and the Scary Men gather round at a
distance. HOODWell? Let's see what's in it! The Old Man picks up something from the bundle and holds it out to Hood.HOOD What's that? OLD MAN Bad news for you. HOODEh? OLD MANMy life savings. A five cent Euro coin and a button. HOODDon't mess with me, you old fool. Where's the rest? OLD MANAre
you kidding, young Hood? After all the government cuts, and prices
going up for everything, food and heating, and heaven knows what else we
haven't heard about yet. What chance do we have to save anything? Eh?
We get the lowest old age pension in the world, and it's taxed! Do me a
favour and go and rob a politician. HOODCome on, guys. We're wasting our time here. They exit. The Old Man comes to the front of the stage again. OLD MANClod-poles!
That's what they are. Well, between you and me, their time is running
out. Their golden days are over. Churl is coming! Remember that name -
A NEARBY FANCY RESTAURANT. HOOD AND HIS SCARY MEN SIT AT A TABLE. SAME DAYHOODAllan!
Order up another six bottles of Krug, will you? And more of the foie
gras. I'm feeling peckish. I tell you, I'm sick of looking at the poor.
And at their stupid faces when we take their money. They're so boring. FRIAR TAXFREEAh,
that foie gras! I'll have a kilo, Allan. Now, Hood, I've been updating
on new tax havens. Here are the latest. County Cork, Tijuana, North
Korea and Tower Hamlets which has just declared independence from
Britain. Of these, I think we can only sensibly use North Korea. Pass
the toast, would you? HOODSounds good to me. How are you doing with your commodities search, John?BIGBONUS JOHN Duh. Good, boss. HOODWell? What did you find? BIGBONUS JOHNDuh.
Well, boss. I started at the 'A's and then I did the 'B's. Then I got
to the 'C's and there it was, boss. Real cool. Coal mines in Qatar! HOODWhat? BIGBONUS JOHN Duh.
You're always saying we should target what's got nowhere and then talk
it up. Well, coal mines in Qatar is exackerly that. Innit? HOODH'm. What do you think, Much? MUCHLook,
Chief. I'm happy to manage our Georgian estates in the Shires, and our
chateaux on the Riviera, and our Manhattan penthouse apartments and our
air-conditioned yachts and our super-charged Ferrari's, but I don't want
to be involved in gambling, anymore. I’m happy just being V.P. Admin. HOODOK. I have no issue with that. Did you research it, John? BIGBONUS JOHN Duh.
Yeah! It was great. Percentually, coal mines in Qatar is the greatest
opportunity since the invention of the credit default swap! HOODReally? I see. Well. Anybody know anything about coal mines? ALLAN A DEALI don't think there are any coal mines in Qatar. HOODDoes
it matter? OK, John, you run with it, give it the whole algorithm
treatment and report back. Looks like another useful instrument to make a
few more pennies! Don’t forget to VaR it. SCARY MEN (dancing and singing)SPUs and SIVs; SPOs and CDOs; CDSes and Derivatives; Illicit credit-based securities, Commodities and liquidities! We love them all! We love them all!'Cos we are the golden boys of banking. Yeah!
A RAMSHACKLE VILLAGE IN THE FOREST WHERE SOME OF THE POOR LIVE. EVENING.OLD MANWhere's Churl? I must see him! CHURLI am here. What would'st thou? OLD MANHood Robin and his Banker Gang are on the prowl nearby. CHURL Is that a problem? OLD MANYes! They have a huge target for robbing us! They intend to make an 18 billion bonus! CHURL18 billion? Excellent! OLD MANWhat, Churl? Did you say 'excellent'? CHURLI
did, old gentleman. Hack! and I have a plan and it will work best when
they have amassed their 18 billion. Only then can we have our full
revenge. Hack! is working on it every minute. The sweat drops off his
brow, he will not stop, he will not even take off time to eat. He is a
true hero and we must prepare a celebration for him, when we have
achieved our objectives. OLD MANCan I sing my favourite song for him? CHURL Which one is that? OLD MAN"Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work. Every rotten politician is a money-making jerk. Me muvver's in the hospital; wiv a bloke on either side; Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty minute ride. Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road; Useless rotten government; rotten billions owed. Thank you, politicians; and all your clever staff. Are you working for the working man? Don't make me rotten larf!"CHURLVery
enjoyable, old gentle. But our first target is the bankers. Politicians
are for later. Can you compose a song about the bankers? OLD MANI think I can do that, Churl. Just give me a day. CHURLA
day is all we have. My latest information is that the bankers are
nearing their 18 billion. It will soon be time to act. Ah, Hack! What is
it? HACK!The connection is not that great just here, Churl. Can we go somewhere where I'll have a max signal? CHURLO.K. We'll go the disused abbey, nearby. It's on higher ground.
IN THE RESTAURANT. SAME TIME. HOODHow's the Qatari coal mine algorithm coming along, John? BIGBONUS JOHNDuh. O.K. Some fiddly problems. HOODI can guess. The markets are not convinced. BIGBONUS JOHN Yeah. Dat's it, Hood. HOODOK. Then tell them if they don't buy we'll leave. Go abroad. Set up somewhere else. That should shift them. BIGBONUS JOHN Yeah, Hood! Great! HOODOK,
Listen, guys. I told our runners to report to the disused abbey up the
road when we got to the 18 billion. My latest information is that we're
getting there. I tell you, that delta hedging is just great to rack up
the good stuff. So let's get up to the abbey, right now!
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. LATER.Hood stands before a small pillar on which he works at his computer while the Scary Men stand about expectantly.HOODO.K. Uh huh. Great! The money's mounting up fast! We're going to do it, my men! We're well up past the 17 billion mark. The Scary Men cheer.
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. Hack! stands before a small pillar on which he works at his computer. Churl, the Old Man and the poor folk stand about watching.HACK!Whew! A good connection at last CHURL Can you do it? HACK! Just watch me!
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. HOODYeah!
Here we go. Look at the screen! Do you see that? Here she comes! Watch
this, guys! Seventeen billion, nine hundred and ninety nine million,
nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety
nine......... Here she comes! The big number!
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. HACK!Here comes their 18 billion. He raises his hand dramatically, extends his finger, and toa low rumble of thunder in the background, taps a key on his computer. HACK!And there it goes! Bingo! Straight out of their account and into ours. He taps another key. HACK!And
on it goes. Back into the accounts of all the poor. Each and every one
reimbursed with the money the bankers took from them. There you have it,
Churl! The wonders of technology! At your service! The poor dance and hug each other, tears streaming down their faces.
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. The Scary Men are clapping each other on the shoulder anddoing high-fives, except for BigBonus John who is looking atthe computer screen. BIGBONUS JOHNDuh? Boss? Look at this. On your screen. It says 'Balance Zero.' What's that mean? Duh? Now it says 'All Balances Zero.' HOODWhat? What? My bonus! My bonus! It's gone! Where? Where? Aaargh!Collapses
on his knees, wild-eyed and weeping. The scary men look about them with
fear and horror - they panic and run, screaming. THE ENDThe audience cheer and applaud loudly.