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Thursday 15 December 2022

Hood Robin and his Scary Men. A Pantomime for our Time...

 

                                     "HOOD ROBIN AND HIS SCARY MEN"
 

LIST OF CHARACTERS:
Hood Robin The most successful banker of all time
Friar TaxFree The world's biggest expert on tax avoidance
BigBonus John Lives only for his bonus
Allan a Deal An infamous deal-maker.
Much the Hedger's Son The son of the biggest hedge fund trader ever.
Prince WallStreet The toughest banker/private equity manager/ hedge fund
trader/ commodities dealer/ in the whole world.
The Sheriff of the City
An Old Man
Churl A hero of the poor
Hack! Another
***********************
A COPSE IN SHERWOOD FOREST. MORNING. Hood Robin and his Scary Men
sing and dance.
SCARY MEN
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We're leaving them without a stitch,
The bailiff at the door.
We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah!
The golden boys of bonuses as well!
We are the filthy rich;
We're ripping off the poor.
We take it all without a hitch,
'cos we're above the law.
We're the golden boys of banking! Oh yeah!
The golden boys of bonuses as well!
 

Enter Prince WallStreet and the Sheriff.


PRINCE WALLSREET
O.K! O.K! Very nice - but quit it! You guys have
gotta work a lot harder if we're gonna hit 18
billion in bonus this year. Ya gotta hit the poor
harder! Harder, ya hear! That's what they're here
for, right? To be hit, right? Our bonus target is
18 billion and I don't mean 17 billion. Geddit?
HOOD
We're working on it WallStreet. We'll get there,
don't you worry.
WALLSTREET
There's millions of poor out there! Go out and get
'em! I've fixed everything up with your government so
you don't have no issues there, OK?
SHERIFF
Oh, yes. Oh dear me, yes. The Prince did a splendid
job. I'm sure we could never have done it without
him.
WALLSTREET
So tell the guys what I did.
SHERIFF
Well, after a series of meetings, the government
backed down totally on all of its threats. Every
single one!
The Scary Men cheer.
SHERIFF
They threatened total transparency.
The Scary Men groan.
SHERIFF
They threatened dreadful regulations.
The Scary Men shudder.
SHERIFF
They said they'd put an extra tax on our bonuses.
The Scary Men suck in their lips.
SHERIFF
They said they would never bail us out again.
The Scary Men make 'ouch' noises.
SHERIFF
But, in the end, they backed off from everything
they'd said. Nothing will happen. Nothing
whatsoever. It's all absolutely splendid!
The Scary Men whoop and applaud.
WALLSTREET
So, there ya go, guys. The road is clear. And the
poor are everywhere. So no delay. Let's do it!
SHERIFF
On the subject of the poor being everywhere, we are
very close to completing the wall around the City.
It's 25 feet high all the way round! Of course, the
police will continue to patrol the City every day,
as they always have. So you see, there will be no
bank raids in our territory! Tee hee.
The Scary Men laugh and pat each other on the back. Wallstreet and the
Sheriff leave.
Enter an old man carrying a bundle under his arm.
HOOD
Hold fast there, old loon!
OLD MAN
Eh?
HOOD
Stop! Where are you going?
OLD MAN
France. If it's any business of yours, young man.
 HOOD
 France?
 OLD MAN
Aye, France. It's warmer there and they have
baguettes and citizens' banks. And that's where I'm
going.
 HOOD
Taking all your money with you, are you?
The Scary Men all laugh.
 OLD MAN
 I am.
 HOOD
 In that bundle?
 OLD MAN
Aye. Although what its got to do with you, I don't
know. Who are you, anyway, with all your impertinent
questions?
The Scary Men all hoot.
HOOD
I'm Hood Robin. And these are my Scary Men. So hand
over your bundle, old loon.
OLD MAN
Dear me. That's bad news.
HOOD
Too right!
The Scary Men all laugh again.
The Old Man walks forward to the front of the stage and addresses the
audience.
OLD MAN
Friends. Don't be too worried about me. I've got
a little surprise for this rabble, even though
I’m very old.
He turns towards Hood.
OLD MAN
Yes. that's really bad news. For you, I mean.
 HOOD
What? Don't make me laugh! Hand over your bundle!
OLD MAN
Here you are. But you shouldn't open it.
HOOD
Come on! Why not, eh?
OLD MAN
Because you might not like what you see inside.
 HOOD
Then, you open it!
OLD MAN
Are you frightened, Hood? I thought you were a
big tough guy.
(To the Scary Men) And he's your leader? How
sad.
HOOD
I'll knock your block off, you old loon, if you
don't shut up and open that bundle.
OLD MAN
Don't say I didn't warn you.
He puts the bundle on the ground and slowly unrolls it. Nothing happens. Hood
approaches the bundle warily and the Scary Men gather round at a distance.
HOOD
Well? Let's see what's in it!
The Old Man picks up something from the bundle and holds it out to Hood.
 HOOD
What's that?
 OLD MAN
Bad news for you.
HOOD
Eh?
 OLD MAN
My life savings. A five cent Euro coin and a
button.
HOOD
Don't mess with me, you old fool. Where's the rest?
OLD MAN
Are you kidding, young Hood? After all the government
cuts, and prices going up for everything, food and
heating, and heaven knows what else we haven't heard
about yet. What chance do we have to save anything?
Eh? We get the lowest old age pension in the world,
and it's taxed! Do me a favour and go and rob a
politician.
 HOOD
Come on, guys. We're wasting our time here.
They exit. The Old Man comes to the front of the stage again.
OLD MAN
Clod-poles! That's what they are. Well, between you
and me, their time is running out. Their golden
days are over. Churl is coming! Remember that name
- Churl!
A NEARBY FANCY RESTAURANT. HOOD AND HIS SCARY MEN SIT AT A TABLE. SAME DAY
HOOD
Allan! Order up another six bottles of Krug, will
you? And more of the foie gras. I'm feeling
peckish. I tell you, I'm sick of looking at the
poor. And at their stupid faces when we take
their money. They're so boring.
 FRIAR TAXFREE
Ah, that foie gras! I'll have a kilo, Allan. Now,
Hood, I've been updating on new tax havens. Here are
the latest. County Cork, Tijuana, North Korea and
Tower Hamlets which has just declared independence
from Britain. Of these, I think we can only sensibly
use North Korea. Pass the toast, would you?
HOOD
Sounds good to me. How are you doing with your commodities search,
John?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Good, boss.
HOOD
Well? What did you find?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Well, boss. I started at the 'A's and then I did the 'B's. Then
I got to the 'C's and there it was, boss. Real cool. Coal mines in
Qatar!
HOOD
What?
BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. You're always saying we should
target what's got nowhere and then talk it up. Well,
coal mines in Qatar is exackerly that. Innit?
HOOD
H'm. What do you think, Much?
MUCH
Look, Chief. I'm happy to manage our Georgian estates in the Shires,
and our chateaux on the Riviera, and our Manhattan penthouse
apartments and our air-conditioned yachts and our super-charged
Ferrari's, but I don't want to be involved in gambling, anymore. I’m
happy just being V.P. Admin.
HOOD
OK. I have no issue with that. Did you research
it, John?
 
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. Yeah! It was great. Percentually,
coal mines in Qatar is the greatest opportunity
since the invention of the credit default swap!
HOOD
Really? I see. Well. Anybody know anything about
coal mines?
ALLAN A DEAL
I don't think there are any coal mines in Qatar.
HOOD
Does it matter? OK, John, you run with it, give
it the whole algorithm treatment and report back.
Looks like another useful instrument to make a few
more pennies! Don’t forget to VaR it.
SCARY MEN (dancing and singing)
SPUs and SIVs; SPOs and CDOs;
CDSes and Derivatives;
Illicit credit-based securities,
Commodities and liquidities!
We love them all! We love them all!
'Cos we are the golden boys of banking. Yeah!
A RAMSHACKLE VILLAGE IN THE FOREST WHERE SOME OF THE POOR LIVE. EVENING.
 OLD MAN
Where's Churl? I must see him!
CHURL
I am here. What would'st thou?
OLD MAN
Hood Robin and his Banker Gang are on the prowl
nearby.
 CHURL
Is that a problem?
 OLD MAN
Yes! They have a huge target for robbing us! They
intend to make an 18 billion bonus!
CHURL
18 billion? Excellent!
OLD MAN
What, Churl? Did you say 'excellent'?
CHURL
I did, old gentleman. Hack! and I have a plan and it
will work best when they have amassed their 18
billion. Only then can we have our full revenge.
Hack! is working on it every minute. The sweat drops
off his brow, he will not stop, he will not even
take off time to eat. He is a true hero and we must
prepare a celebration for him, when we have achieved
our objectives.
OLD MAN
Can I sing my favourite song for him?
 CHURL
Which one is that?
OLD MAN
"Can't get a educashun; can't get no rotten work.
Every rotten politician is a money-making jerk.
Me muvver's in the hospital; wiv a bloke on either
side;
Can't find a rotten dentist wivart a forty minute
ride.
Drunks lyin' on the pavement; potholes in the road;
Useless rotten government; rotten billions owed.
Thank you, politicians; and all your clever staff.
Are you working for the working man? Don't make me
rotten larf!"
CHURL
Very enjoyable, old gentle. But our first target is
the bankers. Politicians are for later. Can you
compose a song about the bankers?
OLD MAN
I think I can do that, Churl. Just give me a
day.
CHURL
A day is all we have. My latest information is that
the bankers are nearing their 18 billion. It will
soon be time to act. Ah, Hack! What is it?
HACK!
The connection is not that great just here, Churl.
Can we go somewhere where I'll have a max signal.
CHURL
O.K. We'll go the disused abbey, nearby. It's on
higher ground.
IN THE RESTAURANT. SAME TIME.
HOOD
How's the Qatari coal mine algorithm coming
along, John?
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh. O.K. Some fiddly problems.
HOOD
I can guess. The markets are not convinced.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Yeah. Dat's it, Hood.
HOOD
OK. Then tell them if they don't buy we'll leave.
Go abroad. Set up somewhere else. That should shift
them.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Yeah, Hood! Great!
HOOD
OK, Listen, guys. I told our runners to report to
the disused abbey up the road when we got to the 18
billion. My latest information is that we're getting
there. I tell you, that delta hedging is just great
to rack up the good stuff. So let's get up to the
abbey, right now!
\THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. LATER.
Hood stands before a small pillar on which he works at his computer while the
Scary Men stand about expectantly.
HOOD
O.K. Uh huh. Great! The money's mounting up fast!
We're going to do it, my men! We're well up past the
17 billion mark.
The Scary Men cheer.
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME. Hack! stands before a
small pillar on which he works at his computer. Churl, the Old Man and the
poor folk stand about watching.
HACK!
Whew! A good connection at last
 CHURL
Can you do it?
 HACK!
Just watch me!
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
HOOD
Yeah! Here we go. Look at the screen! Do you see
that? Here she comes! Watch this, guys! Seventeen
billion, nine hundred and ninety nine million,
nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine
hundred and ninety nine......... Here she comes!
The big number!
THE NORTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
HACK!
Here comes their 18 billion.
He raises his hand dramatically, extends his finger, and to
a low rumble of thunder in the background, taps a key on his computer.
HACK!
And there it goes! Bingo! Straight out of their
account and into ours.
He taps another key.
HACK!
And on it goes. Back into the accounts of all the
poor. Each and every one reimbursed with the money
the bankers took from them. There you have it,
Churl! The wonders of technology! At your service!
The poor dance and hug each other, tears streaming down their faces.
THE SOUTH TRANSEPT OF THE DISUSED ABBEY. SAME TIME.
The Scary Men are clapping each other on the shoulder and
doing high-fives, except for BigBonus John who is looking at
the computer screen.
 BIGBONUS JOHN
Duh? Boss? Look at this. On your screen. It says
'Balance Zero.' What's that mean? Duh? Now it says
'All Balances Zero.'
HOOD
What? What? My bonus!
My bonus! It's gone!
Where? Where? Aaargh!
(Collapses on his knees, weeping. The scary men look
about them with fear - they panic and run.)
 THE END

Wednesday 26 October 2022

Reforming the finance industry is a must for all countries - a Discussion.

 

DISCUSSION

 

This is the first part of a talk with Professor Ressencourt concerning the current economic chaos and how to fix it.

 

(Tom Ressencourt is a Fellow of Key’s College, Oxford, and Ernest Calvert Professor of  Economics and Philosophy at the Graduate School of Stanforth University.  Among his recent books are Political Worth in the 21st Century and Que Faire Pour Sauver Les Citoyens?)

 

JP:     You have recently said that the banking regulations being suggested by various governments are far short of what is needed.

 

TR:   Woefully, in my opinion.  It’s extraordinary, isn’t it, that the unregulated greed of  the financial services industry has been allowed to ruin millions of lives, deprive people of their homes and livelihoods, cause an almost total disruption of the global financial structures, require huge mayday injections of tax-payer funds, and here they are today, carrying on just as before and paying themselves their usual galactic bonuses.  Some of these bonuses are bigger than small countries’ GDPs.   Is their work genuinely productive?  Is any of it in the public interest? Are they imbued with a sense of responsibility?  Hardly. A single drunken trader can raise the price of crude oil with a few taps on his lap-top.  It’s fortunate for the rest of us that drunken traders don’t run in packs.  Worse, however is the fact that - largely due to unregulated hedge fund managers and traders, 1% of the world’s population owns 44% of the world’s wealth.

 

JP:       In what ways do you think the financial industry should be regulated?  So that the            public is protected against their excesses and mistakes, and so that a major    financial disaster does not strike again?

 

TR:      Firstly, the so-called ratings agencies have to demonstrate absolutely no connection with the banks or be closed down.  What happens now is that when the banks invent a new financial product they need a rating from a ratings agency.  It’s hard to believe, but they pay these agencies to give out highly favourable ratings to something the agencies have no knowledge of.  That’s what happens. It’s like paying Experian to give you a good credit rating when you apply for a mortgage.  You couldn’t do it, of course.  But no such rules apply to the banks nor the agencies. Neat, isn’t it?

 

            Bank activities must be divided into two clearly separate parts - what is known as retail banking, in other words, what you and I use them for, depositing, cash withdrawals, payments and loans.  The other parts of banking - the casino element where nothing happens except betting on the movement of money, commodities, shares and bonds;  this must be clearly separated.  So that when they get it wrong,   the tax-payer is not called upon to take money from his pocket and put into theirs.    Of course, in their world, they don’t frequently get it wrong, because it is all very cleverly set up to run with Nobel prize winning software, whereby huge amounts of money which can be transferred from a dubious stock to a better one in a millisecond.  However, when they get it wrong, it’s catastrophically bad news for the rest of us. 

           

            The taxation of the financial industry is a joke.  There are so many talented tax-lawyers and accountants that the industry’s tax bill is minimised to the penny.            Banks will bluster about what they do pay being a lot.  But the truth is it is a very small fraction of earnings.  Therefore it behoves governments to establish a special tax on the financial industry.  In the same way that we have ‘green’ taxes, so must we have a ‘social’ tax - on those who can most afford it, the banks, the hedge           funders, the traders, and so on.  This is not meant to be punitive, simply of help to the country in which they reside and conduct their business.  ‘Do that,’ they say,  ‘and we’ll leave.’  Where will they go?  Timbuctoo, Raoul Island, Switzerland.  I doubt it.  They would find the climate anywhere else less conducive to what they do, except in Wall Street.  And there’s already a lot of fierce competition there,        sharper than they are. 

 

            The government has to be forceful and not be frightened by the huge lobbying capacity of the industry. They have to understand that what the financial services industry and the very rich are doing is using the same methods  to hide from our tax collectors as do criminals and corrupt dictators – tax havens, shell banks, shielded   trusts, anonymous foundations, dummy corporations and so on. If the government deplores these methods when used by criminals, then why not when used by the rich ?  The City is often referred to as the 'money laundry of choice.'

 

JP:       Overall, what is your opinion of our present government's grasp of economics?

 

TR:      I fear they don't understand economics, and why should they?  None of the Cabinet has any experience in the field.  Worse, they don't understand the simplest economic formula of all. And probably the most important. Jobs equal wages, wages equal purchasing power, wages pay taxes, taxes pay the nation's services and debts.  Or, if they've heard of it, they're ignoring it because they             cannot admit they are currently wrong in their economic policies. In leaving the huge trading entity, the European Union.

 

JP:       We have agreed that the rise of the oligarch and his burgeoning importance world-wide, for good or ill, will be the subject of a further talk in our next issue.      In the meantime, many thanks for being with us, Professor Ressencourt.

 

A future issue will feature part two of this talk on economic problems and how to fix them.

 

 

 

Tuesday 18 October 2022

The Next Prime Minister of the Collapsing UK - latest!

 

 As back-benchers and ex-Ministers had little choice or enthusiasm for the apparent main contenders for this important replacement role, of whom there were 27, it was decided to look outside Westminster.  Immediately, the following stepped forward:

1. Yasmine Aspriprinovich.

2. Herbert Higginbotham.

3. Chief Yakota of the Yakots Tribe,

4. Percy Bysshe Lurkin.

5. Four teenage offspring of the previous Prime Minister.

6. Abnu'l-Jarrah al Aswad Ibn Yafur Ibn'Abd al Aswad al-Tamini.

Saturday 27 August 2022

Outgoing Prime Minister Johnson to Appoint Himself President of UK.

 

 

Prime Minister Johnson to Appoint Himself President of UK.

Truss vs.  Sunak Race to be Successor - Abandoned.

The New President of the UK will announce:

With all the difficulties of galloping inflation, the final negotiations with the EU, the war in Ukraine, national strikes and the continuous confusion as to my successor’s plans, it seemed to me that there was only one solution to our great nation's current problems. That I should become President and fulfil the wishes of the hard-working British families about which I have always been clear.  

A President is able to get things done. I intend to be bold about curing the problems of our society and building upon the legacy of the Conservative Party's egalitarian past.

 At times of crisis, the world looks to Britain for moral leadership, military leadership and global leadership. We have a world-leading reputation for doing things better and I want us to keep this and remain the envy of the world.

I am happy to say that I have already received congratulatory telephone calls from President Biden, ex-President Trump, President Macron, President Putin, and President Xi JinPeng amongst others.

I have appointed two Vice-Presidents. One is my always competent wife and experienced advisor, and the other is John Problem, one of whose duties will be to write my biography.  After discussing the matter with them, it has been decided to extend my term of office to twelve years. This will allow sufficient time to get our great country back on track and fulfil our destiny as a world-leading global presence.

We have it in our power to come through the global and local difficulties stronger, now that I am President.

I must leave you. War has broken out on the Scottish border and needs my attention.